I'm a Big Fucking Geek II: Revenge of the Geek

I couldn't decide upon a title for this one. I went between, "Big Fucking Geek II: Because Sequels are Geeky," "Big Fucking Geek II: The Geek Strikes Back," "Big Fucking Geek II: That Rare Sequel That Tops the Original," and the perennial favorite, "Big Fucking Geek II: Electric Boogaloo." Of course titles can be changed. So if you like one of those better, you could always let me know in the comment section 99.999999% of you have ignored since I added it to my updates.

Yes. I'm now taking requests.

Anyway, sorta weird that there's been enough demos released on the PS3 and 360 to warrant another update, but the holidays are around the corner and that means a whole lotta video games to choose from. Having played all the demos, I'm hopefully helping make that choice a little bit easier for you. If you didn't get a chance to look at the original "I'm a Big Fucking Geek" update, you can find it here. Now, onto the sequel:

Blazing Angels 2: Secret Missions of WWII (Sony PS3/Xbox 360)

And I was worried about titling this update. This has to be the worst name for a game ever. Actually speak the title and you'll see how awkward it sounds (and notice there's one "2" too many). Sadly, the gameplay is even more awkward than the game's name. The control setup is crap and when will Ubisoft stop with the fucking screen tear? If a game as beautiful as Bioshock can do it without the tear, I'd like to think a game as bland as Blazing Angels 2: Secrets Missions of WWII could do without it as well. I doubt Ubisoft reveals any World War II "secrets" in their game, but I'll whisper a secret about their game that I'm sure Ubisoft doesn't want getting out: It's a pile of shit, both online and off. Pick yourself up (or download) a copy of Warhawk for the PS3 if you need to satisfy your midair combat needs.

2 out of 10

Fatal Inertia (Sony PS3/Xbox 360)

Originally a PS3 exclusive, this one went over to the 360 as it was supposedly too hard to program the Unreal Engine on the PS3 (it is still scheduled to come out for the PS3 -- Just a month or two late). If the demo is any indication, the game could have used a spit, shit, shine and polish before making its way to the 360. First of all, it's that Star Wars' Podracer game all over again. If you've played that one, you've played this. The only difference comes in the form of glitches -- Fatal Inertia is full of them. From the rumble not working correctly (a few times I ran into a wall with no rumble and then had a ton of rumble when my "pod" touched absolutely nothing) to the collision detection being so out of whack it's not even funny (driving directly through boulders and cliffs seems to come standard with the title); expect one flawed fucking game. Maybe the Unreal Engine wasn't made for racers. It can't do it all, right? It's already given us Gears of War and Bioshock -- what more do you want? A pocket pussy included with the purchase price? Like a pocket pussy, Fatal Inertia will make a decent rental and nothing more. It'll be fun for 15 minutes and then returned. And, as with a molded, vibrating, vagina replica, you'll of course claim that you never once played with it. Really. You didn't even touch the thing.

5 out of 10

Folklore (Sony PS3)

What comes off as nearly an apology from Sony for their puny 5 minute demo of Heavenly Sword is the relatively lengthy demo of their exclusive title, Folklore. From beginning to end what was provided had me intrigued. The graphics weren't breathtaking, but were definitely pretty. The story seemed to be involving. The sound effects were incredible. But there's a "but" here ... the game, based solely on the demo, seemed painfully linear. Like Zelda meets Pokemon with better art design. And like both Zelda and Pokemon, the game inexcusably excludes voice acting in favor of text-reading. Reading is so 1999. It's the new math -- you'll never use it in the real world so why even teach yourself this antiquated art when you could listen to Limbaugh and O'Reilly instead? They provide all the "edutainment" a person needs without having to learn how to do difficult things like comprehend words such as "stop" and "child crossing." The Folklore demo implements motion-control and, as anyone with any sense knows -- motion-control fucking sucks. You need to press the R1 (or is it R2?) button to capture souls (or some shit) and then quickly jerk up the controller. I jerked that controller right up into my chin and it hurt like hell. Six-axis is failure, Sony. Put rumble back in and leave the waggle to the Wii fans. Still, if the demo is any indication, this game has definite potential and will be a "rent," if not a "buy." What's not to like about a title that takes place in the land of the dead and has a character named Boobrie? Seriously? Did you catch the "Boob" part of that name?

7 out of 10

Ratatouille (Sony PS2/Sony PS3/Xbox 360/Nintendo GameCube/Nintendo Wii)

I actually had a lot of fun with the stupid movie tie-in game for Pixar's last film, Cars. The graphics weren't great, the gameplay wasn't deep but it was an entertaining diversion that kids surely loved. Ratatouille is the exact opposite. As opposed to "not great," the graphics simply suck. The gameplay is simplistic to the point of insulting and unless your child is a retard, there's no way they're going to like, love or even find this game passably mediocre. Except for the children who enjoy games on the Wii, as they are "special." Like most Wii games, Ratatouille is a series of bad mini-games strung together by an even worse plot. The Xbox 360 demo has a level where you run around avoiding crabs, kids and butchers. This could actually be fun, but none of the "rat-vision" excitement from the movie is included. You just sputter around occasionally pressing the "Y" button to sprint and some other button to whip your tail at crabs. One time I whipped my "tail" at crabs after dating the wrong sort of woman. And then I held a picture of a Playmate's butt above my head and pretended she was pooping on me.

1 out of 10

Skate (Sony PS3/XBOX 360)

This game was supposed to completely revitalize the whole "skateboarding game" genre thingie. EA's been promising better physics, graphics and realism than has been seen in the tired Tony Hawk series. What they've given us is essentially another tired Tony Hawk game without Tony Hawk. Like the Hawk games it's shamelessly stealing from, the demo starts in a park where some annoying narrator that isn't Tony Hawk teaches you the moves while an annoying fake punk band plays its fake corporate punk in the background. Then you perform the moves Not Tony Hawk taught you for points (or whatever). The more air you get, the better the score, etc. etc. etc. Sure, the graphics are a little better than we've seen in a Tony Hawk game, but this is a game about skateboarding. It's a dude riding a skateboard. Unless they're going to have lasers shooting out of his cock, there really isn't anywhere further they can take this graphically. I've never loved or hated the Tony Hawk games and this is just more of the same. The exact same. Carbon-copy, even.

5 out of 10
--Alex Sandell

I'm a Big Fucking Geek

Recent video game demos and my nerdy thoughts on them (in alphabetical order, for extra geekiness)

Beautiful Katamari (XBOX 360)

I guess this was a big title on the Playstation consoles. Try as I might, I don't get the appeal. From the demo now up on the 360 (MS, once again, trying to gain some Japanese gamers), it seems lame. Bad graphics. Bad comedy. What the hell? I'm supposed to run around rolling up a ball until it gets bigger and bigger? That's it??? This is why I've steered clear of so many critically acclaimed niche games that found cult followings on Sony consoles. MS should have let is stay with Sony as they have some quirky fans who like playing with their balls and those fans are disgusted that MS took their balls away from them. I don't see this selling well for the Xbox at all. If I wanted to play with balls, I'd take a warm bath so my own would get all big and droopy and then I'd jump out, put an ice cube on them, watch them shrink and laugh at what cowards they are. I mean -- it's only ice.

3 out of 10

Bioshock (XBOX 360, PC)

This was the game that made me sell my soul and buy a 360 again (my fifth -- these things are as long-lasting as toilet tissue). Based on the demo, my sold soul was worth the price. The game is based on Ayn Rand's Objectivism (also known as: "Sociopathism" or "Greedism"), and its story is deep for an FPS. The atmosphere is thick, the gameplay is intense, the art direction is awe-inspiring. This is one game that -- based on the "45 minute" demo that really takes 15 minutes to beat -- lives up to the hype. Unless something goes horribly wrong (such as Ayn Rand coming off as a heroic visionary), this will be the best game of the year. Someone on a video game site I frequent mentioned Rand being the end boss. It was mere speculation, but if it turned out to be true, I'd beat that boss more than Bowser in the original Super Mario Bros. Even if you don't get to shoot the shit out of a digital Ayn, the game still has a chance at being the greatest game ever created. It's not off to a bad start, as the demo is the best demo ever released.

10 out of 10

Blue Dragon (XBOX 360)

More Microsoft pandering to the Japanese audience they will never get. The game does look pretty and the story seems as though it will be semi-compelling in a kiddy sort of way. But it also seems boring. Not unbearable, but not $60 of fun, either. If you like turn-based RPG titles, this one should please you in a Final Fantasy sort of way. If not, stay away. Although the dragon is blue, which is cool. Since most dragons are red. And everyone knows red dragons are gay.

5 out of 10

DiRT (Sony PS3/Xbox 360)

I have no idea who Colin McRae is, as I don't keep up with the mullet crowd, but this is the demo Sony provided after feeling schooled by MS giving Bioshock, Stranglehold and Beautiful Katamari demos to their users. The game itself is like a bad version of the PS3 exclusive, Motorstorm. While Motorstorm is an awesome game, I felt DiRT -- based on the demo -- was one big infomercial. The second Colin starts talking, which is the second the game begins, I wanted a "mute" feature. "Hi, I'm Colin McRae and I'm going to show you how to play this game." Fuck off, Colin McRae, whoever the hell you are. I can figure it out myself. And then I'll go back to playing Motorstorm.

4 out of 10

Eternal Sonata (XBOX 360)

MS does more pandering. This is all turned-based crap and could possibly be the worst demo I've ever had the misfortune of playing. You have like 3 or 4 characters and you choose which move they will make and watch it play out. If you enjoy the whole interactive novel kind of game, this may be your thing. Who knows? Maybe the full game will prove to be intriguing. It's hard to judge games like this based on a demo. But still I'll go on to give it a ...

1 out of 10

Heavenly Sword (Sony Playstation 3)

This is shaping up to be the AAA title for the PS3 this holiday season. While the demo was only 5 minutes long, it was long enough to know that this will be a great game. The "making of" videos Sony's releasing on the Playstation Network further back up the inevitable greatness of this title. Outside of some obnoxious screen-tear, the graphics are jaw-dropping. The gameplay is similar to God of War, but the game comes off as even more epic than that excellent title (and its sequel). I wasn't happy that all you needed to do was hit a single button to get through the demo, but hopefully that will change upon release. With Andy Serkis (Gollum from the Lord of the Rings' trilogy) both acting in the game and directing the numerous cutscenes -- it's hard to imagine the title being anything less than perfect. The facial animations are the best seen so far in a game and, if this all pans out, Heavenly Sword could wind up game of the year with the best graphics of 2007. Because the demo is far too simplistic, I can't give it a perfect rating, but it does come damn close.

9 out of 10

Overlord (Xbox 360)

A shameless rip-off of Pikmin and Pikmin 2 for the GameCube, but the idea previously showed up in Oddworld: Munch's Odyssey, so maybe Miyamoto should be the one feeling the guilt. Although Miyamoto knows no guilt. How could he? He's selling a last-gen console at next-gen prices and justifying the whole thing with waggle. Overlord isn't the best thing ever, but it's fun. I wouldn't regret buying it at a reduced price. Decent graphics, funny dialogue and a whole lot of nastiness warrant a $29.99 purchase.

7 out of 10

Ridge Racer 7 (Sony PS3)

It's a racing game. Yay. If you like this sort of thing this one is probably likable. Everyone's impressed with the section where you drive through a cave under a waterfall. It is pretty with great sound effects. Still, I'd never buy this game. I'd never rent this game. But I do like waterfalls. One time I got naked and pretended a waterfall I was under was a shower. My girlfriend at the time thought it a good idea and stripped off her clothing. The force of the fall pushed her over the cliff and she drown in the rapids below. That was funny. Unfortunately, Ridge Racer 7 is not. But up in Heaven, I bet my nude ex is laughing. She was weird that way.

4 out of 10

Stranglehold (Sony PS3/Xbox 360)

I initially hated this one. Then I got all obsessed with everything that makes the game nearly as great as the developers think that it is. There's a whole lot to love in Stranglehold. The graphics aren't very good, but the interactive environments are incredible and more than make up for the so-so looks of Stranglehold. This is going to be the sleeper hit of the holiday. It's fun as hell to play (been through it 3 times, unlocking "hard" mode) and, if you're a fan of Hard Boiled, this will likely be the one game you'll make sure to pick up prior to 2008. I just don't know which version to buy. The PS3 comes with the movie Hard Boiled on Blu-Ray. The 360 has a controller that I can use without killing my hands and wrists. Decisions, decisions.

8 out of 10

Uncle Alex

Does that have a nice ring to it? Because I'm gonna have to get used to hearing people call me "Uncle Alex," as I am now an uncle. Sort of like Ben, but I don't shill rice. Ironically, my other brother who just became an uncle's name is Ben. I just thought of that as I typed "sort of like Ben." Weird. We have an Uncle Ben in the family.

Anyway, that's me holding my nephew David up there. I told jfargo (otherwise known as Jeremiah Fargo) that being an uncle isn't as weird as it seems (in six month, he's going to be one himself). That's only partially true. Whenever I look at this picture of my nephew in my arms I get all gooey like. I can't really explain it. But he was made from my brother's sperm and my brother and I were both made from my dad's sperm, which makes me sort of ... er ... an uncle.

Okay, jfargo (otherwise known as Jeremiah Fargo) ... I lied -- it is fucking weird!

But at the same time, look at that picture up there. Try to look past my hairy arms and gigantic mutant freak hands and see that cute little baby they're holding. Doesn't part of you look forward to that experience (being an uncle, not growing an absurd amount of hair on your arms)?

The only bitch of a problem is that I'm now forced to be "cool" for that much longer (heh). Everyone wants to be the "cool" Uncle. And anyone named "Uncle Ben" can't be cool by default. That leaves the job to me.

AAAAAAAAHHH!!! How can someone as tiny as the baby in my arms cause this much pressure? David, I hope I can live up to your expectations. And I hope your mom and dad never find out about the R rated movies I sneak you into. Or how late I let you stay up when they're away and I'm babysitting. That's the job of the "cool" uncle, right?

How much you wanna bet my brother's reading this and getting all pissed? "Honey," he'll say to his wife, "Alex is NOT taking David to the movies unless we go along!" And so it begins...

EDIT: And knowing my luck, I'll drop dead before he's old enough to say my name.
--Alex Sandell

The Day America Died

As I watched it happen an altered version of Don McLean's American Pie entered my head: "This will be the day America dies." As I heard the Republican Congressmen applauding the loss of Civil Liberties for the Americans they were elected to represent; the day of August 4th, 2007 burned into my mind in a way no date has since September 11th, 2001.

On August 3rd the bill the Bush Administration was pushing (coercing?) the House and Senate to vote on before their monthlong break was passed by the Senate. The Bill allows our own government to spy on its citizens, as long as the government claims the spying "concerns" Al Qaeda.

They can listen to our phone calls. Read our emails. You name it, they can do it. And on August 4th Congress made it official: They can now do it legally.

In the Senate not one Republican voted against the Spy Bill. And, even though we now have a Democratic majority, the majority still aren't democratic. 16 Democrats joined the Republicans and 1 Independent (guess who?) and all of them should be tried for treason.

This is the United States and a vote to spy on the American people goes against the Constitution and the Bill of Rights and is nothing short of treasonous. I won't play with words and I think, at the very least, these Senators should be impeached if not exiled from the United States completely.

In the House 41 Democrats joined the treason party voting for the ironically titled "Protect America Act" and when time to vote came to an end and the bill was passed the Republicans cheered. And they cheered loudly. When I heard this I knew Americans were out of luck and this was the day my country died.

And I started singin', "Bye-bye Miss American ..." But then I stopped, worried Alberto Gonzales may listen.

These are the Democrats you shouldn't vote for ever again in the Senate:

Evan "Try 'em For Treason" Bayh (Indiana)
Tom "Try 'em For Treason" Carper (Delaware)
Bob "Try 'em For Treason" Casey (Pennsylvania)
Kent "Try 'em For Treason" Conrad (North Dakota)
Dianne ""Try 'er For Treason" Feinstein (California)
Daniel "Try 'em For Treason" Inouye (Hawaii)
Amy "Try 'er For Treason"Klobuchar (Minnesota)
Mary "Try 'er For Treason" Landrieu (Louisiana)
Blanche "Try 'er For Treason" Lincoln (Arkansas)
Claire "Try 'er For Treason" McCaskill (Missouri)
Barbara "Try 'er For Treason" Mikulski (Maryland)
Bill "Try 'em For Treason" Nelson (Florida)
Ben "Try 'em For Treason"Nelson (Nebraska)
Mark "Try 'em For Treason" Pryor (Arkansas)
Ken "Try 'em For Treason"Salazar (Colorado)
Jim "Try 'em For Treason" Webb (Virginia)

Even though he hasn't counted as a Democrat pretty much ever and had to run as an "Independent" last time, he must be named:

Joseph "Try 'em For Treason" Lieberman (Connecticut)

And in the House:

Jason "Try 'em For Treason" Altmire (4th Pennsylvania)
John "Try 'em For Treason" Barrow (12th Georgia)
Melissa "Try 'er For Treason" Bean (8th Illinois)
Dan "Try 'em For Treason" Boren (2nd Oklahoma)
Leonard "Try 'em For Treason" Boswell (3rd Iowa)
Allen "Try 'em For Treason" Boyd (2nd Florida)
Christopher "Try 'em For Treason" Carney (10th Pennsylvania)
Ben "Try 'em For Treason" Chandler (6th Kentucky)
Jim "Try 'em For Treason" Cooper (5th Tennessee)
Jim "Try 'em For Treason" Costa (20th California)
Bud "Try 'em For Treason" Cramer (5th Alabama)
Henry "Try 'em For Treason" Cuellar (28th Texas)
Artur "Try 'em For Treason" Davis (7th Alabama)
Lincoln "Try 'em For Treason" Davis (4th Tennessee)
Joe "Try 'em For Treason" Donnelly (2nd Indiana)
Chet "Try 'em For Treason" Edwards (17th Texas)
Brad "Try 'em For Treason" Ellsworth (8th Indiana)
Bob "Try 'em For Treason" Etheridge (North Carolina)
Bart "Try 'em For Treason" Gordon (6th Tennessee)
Stephanie "Try 'er For Treason" Herseth Sandlin (South Dakota)
Brian "Try 'em For Treason" Higgins (27th New York)
Baron "Try 'em For Treason" Hill (9th Indiana)
Nick "Try 'em For Treason" Lampson (23rd Texas)
Daniel "Try 'em For Treason" Lipinski (3rd Illinois)
Jim "Try 'em For Treason" Marshall (8th Georgia)
Jim "Try 'em For Treason" Matheson (2nd Utah)
Mike "Try 'em For Treason" McIntyre (7th North Carolina)
Charlie "Try 'em For Treason" Melancon (3rd Louisiana)
Harry "Try 'em For Treason" Mitchell (5th Arizona)
Colin "Try 'em For Treason" Peterson (7th Minnesota)
Earl "Try 'em For Treason" Pomeroy (North Dakota)
Ciro "Try 'em For Treason" Rodriguez (23rd Texas)
Mike "Try 'em For Treason" Ross (4th Arkansas)
John "Try 'em For Treason" Salazar (3rd Colorado)
Heath "Try 'em For Treason" Shuler (11th North Carolina)
Vic "Try 'em For Treason" Snyder (2nd Arkansas)
Zachary "Try 'em For Treason" Space (18th Ohio)
John "Try 'em For Treason" Tanner (8th Tennessee)
Gene "Try 'em For Treason" Taylor (4th Mississippi)
Timothy "Try 'em For Treason" Walz (1st Minnesota)
Charles A. "Try 'em For Treason" Wilson (6th Ohio)

Why aren't I listing the Republicans? Because only 2 in the entire United States Congress voted against this spy bill. Otherwise, the entire Republican side of Congress should be tried for treason.

My Brother, Action Hero

My brother rides his bike home from work 5 days a week and happens to ride it directly under the 35W bridge in Minneapolis that collapsed yesterday. Thinking it just another normal day, he got to the bridge mere minutes before it crumbled. There he sat on his bike, wondering if he would brave it, knowing it was last minute. And, throwing caution to the wind, he peddled that Huffy straight under and, arriving home, saw the news that the bridge had fell.

"Had I known," he said, "I would have taken a different route." But that's just my brother being modest; like any action hero making it up as he goes along. Don't be surprised to see him on CNN wielding a bullwhip and fedora with his own John Williams' theme blaring over Wolf Blitzer's voice.

Heh. "Wolf Blitzer."
--Alex Sandell

35W Bridge Collapse Minneapolis

Yikes. This bridge is only a few miles from my house. I've been watching the news since it happened (around an hour ago) and I'm starting to ask questions and beginning to feel pretty panicked.

How was this bridge cleared as safe during the last bridge inspection?

How can a big huge bridge like this collapse?

And then I start noticing a pattern as I watch the helicopter shooting the disaster -- over half the "cars" still on the buckled, broken bridge are SUVs, Jeeps and trucks. In 1967 structural engineers could never have anticipated how overpopulated the earth would be in 2007. And they would have never predicted that the average American would be driving big fucking tanks meant for wars and other off-road experiences in the Twin City Metro Area.

Get these OFF-Road cars the hell OFF the road and "keep America safe!" But the media will never go this direction. They're paid lots of money to advertise SUVs and trucks and Jeeps and other vehicles 99.999% of Americans should not be driving but over 50% are.

So yes, I'm upset. And here in the metro area I can't even get a hold of my family or friends to make sure they're okay and weren't on the bridge -- because all you get is the "all circuits are busy" message.

UPDATE: News Anchors just asked people to stop making calls, unless they're in an emergency situation. This begs another question:

How in fuck's name are we even remotely prepared for even bigger tragedies when a bridge collapses and we can't even use a goddamn phone?

I dunno, this whole thing is depressing and upsetting. I hope everyone I know is okay and I hope for as few casualties as possible. And I hope someone figures out how to deal with new technologies ... such as phones and bridges.
--Alex Sandell

Movie Theaters Have Super Tall Ceilings ...

My basement doesn't.For that matter, neither does my living room, my dining room, my porch, my bathroom, my bedroom or my theater room. In the theater, with its 4,680 foot ceilings, the stand looked like it would fit in my home with at least 2 feet to spare. So, I decided to take it home after getting the okay from the theater manager (all you need to do is ask politely, suck a bit of penis, lick a small amount of clit, toss a little salad and bark like a dog) .

Anyone who's taken one of these apart or put one together knows what a gigantic pain-in-the-ass it is. Imagine Lego's. Now imagine Lego's made out of cheap 10 foot cardboard, no instructions and a complete lack of the ingenious design of Lego's. That would be a movie standee.

But I'm a trooper and I didn't care. I was so determined that, when a couple of teenagers tried to sneak in through the back entrance that I was dragging the standee out of, I said, "You can't enter here." Then one of them said they left their purse. Two males? A purse? I felt like kicking them in the nuts, but instead played security guard and told them that they need to pay if they want to play, but they said they couldn't pay because their money was in their purse.

Funny neither of them asked me why my girlfriend was backing a shitty van up to the door and what I was doing with a gigantic cardboard photo of Bruce Willis. Amazing the power of an authoritative voice.

Anyway, the standee was disassembled. Later it was reassembled in my basement with the idea of carrying it up the stairs and adorning my home theater with it. "Oh, it will fit with no problem," said my girlfriend. She said the same thing when I ended her virginity. She was wrong on both counts.

So the stand sits in my basement. Not one to waste a gargantuan Bruce Willis and not one to easily forget a PG-13 rated Die Hard film, I set my electronics' obsessed friend on a quest. I thought that the John McClane who couldn't say "Mother-Fucker" in the most recent PG-13 Die Hard, could make amends.

And he could do so with ping-pong.

Lots of sound clips were recorded. Lots of work was done. And now, whenever a ping-pong ball is thrown at the PG-13 John McClane, he says, "Yippee-Kay-Yay!" Whenever you hit him smack dab in the nose, he spits out a very "R" rated, "Mother-Fucker."

One of 6 that I have so far recorded and put on the chip. I plan on recording even more. I won't be happy until I can play table-tennis with myself for at least 60 minutes straight while hearing entirely new takes on the vulgar, adult-only, "Mother-Fucker."

Take that Fox. Take that and your pussy PG-13 rating and oversized stand that won't fit in my home theater and shove them both up your ass. Bet you never thought a game of ping-pong would bring about the most "R" rated John McClane yet. But you were wrong, mother-fuckers. Dead wrong.

Yippee-Kay-Yay!

Deconstructing Harry Part 7: A Review in Seven Parts

Click for Part 1. Click for Part 2. Click for Part 3. Click for Part 4. Click for Part 5. Click for Part 6.

Author's note: The "thoughts-per-page" posted are the exact thoughts I had while reading that very page. They have not nor will not be edited in retrospect or changed in hindsight. Here are my thoughts on the final 118 pages of Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows:

Page 642 - "I do not need to seek Potter. Before the night is out, Potter will have come to find me." Like Luke Skywalker coming to find his father in Return of the Jedi. Why do bad guys always go out of their way to hunt down the good guys until the ending of the final episode, where suddenly they sit around patiently waiting for the hero to come to them? Why not wait in the first place? Maybe take up knitting?

Page 656 - Voldemort has his pet snake dispose of Severus Snape. Blood gushes from Snape's wounds and such. Blah blah blah.

Page 658 - Right before dying Snape gives Harry his silvery brain semen because J.K. Rowling is too poor a writer to properly tell a story without a ton of exposition -- hence the Pensieve.

Pages 662 - 690 - We find out what we knew all along. Snape was a good guy. He loved Lily. Dumbledore had asked to be killed by Snape. Why tell us this now, during the book's electrifying climax? Because there's nothing like 28 pages of convoluted and predictable back story to truly bring the thrills and chills out of the final pages of the final novel in the Harry Potter series. I mean -- there's only a war going on out there. People dying. But why worry about that? Let's look at Snape's childhood and examine the relationship he had with Dumbledore, instead.

Pages 690 - 710 - Harry thinks back through every Quidditch match he's ever played and decides to free every Golden Snitch, as he feels that they are being abused in a way similar to House Elves.

Pages 711 - 759 - Harry sets hundreds of Snitches free. To his surprise, they gang up on Voldemort and kill him with their flapping wings. Voldemort screams, "And I woulda gotten away with it too, if it weren't for you meddling orbs!" and dies a violent death. Ron remarks, "One thing you can say for old Voldy -- the guy sure had balls!" Tired of Ron's bad puns, Hermione dumps the dude and marries a House Elf. Ron begins dating a Snitch and Harry hides the secret feelings he has for Ron and finds his new Patronus is a closet. A closet he doesn't come out of for the rest of his life.

Okay, I made pages 690 - 759 up. Here's the real ending. Brace yourselves.

Page 691 - "Harry understood at last that he was not supposed to survive." This could be good.

Page 693 - "I must die. It must end." - Harry Potter. J.K. Rowling must not be playing with our emotions or this series will be destroyed. She's on the right path. Harry Potter needs to die to make the story complete. It's obvious J.K. knows this, but will she have the nerve to go through with killing Harry Potter? Only if she's an honest storyteller, not a cash-whore.

Page 694 - Poor Colin Creevey. "He was tiny in death." So many giving their lives for Harry. Will Harry do the same for them?

Page 696 - This is looking like it's for real. Harry's now telling Neville to kill the snake if Ron and Hermione fail. Harry has no plans on surviving. But what are J.K.'s plans for him?

Page 697 - "Hogwarts was the first and best home he had known. He and Voldemort and Snape, the abandoned boys, had all found home here." Beautiful description of a beautiful school. If Harry really dies, this could get emotional.

Page 699 - Sirius Black, James Weasley, Remus Lupin -- the dead have all come to see Harry off and welcome him to the afterlife, or something. The most sentimental moment is with Harry's mom. "You've been so brave," she tells him. James follows her up by saying, "We are ... so proud of you." And, if Harry really does die, this will be the most powerful moment in the entire 7 book Harry Potter series. If he lives, this moment will be cheap and tacky and I just may join the Christian nutters in burning the book. Not because it's sinful, but because it would be a sin for J.K. Rowling to play with our emotions like this and not be true to her own story. And the truth is: Harry Potter must die.

Page 704 - "[Harry] saw the mouth move and a flash of green light, and everything was gone." I paused here. I stopped reading for at least 5 minutes and paced my living room floor. I even debated vacuuming. Did J.K. really just kill Harry Potter? The drawing at the start of the next chapter of a corpse-like Potter certainly indicates that she did. If she killed him, this will be amazing. A miracle. A moment never forgotten by fans the world over. If not, this will mean nothing. It will be a trick, a double-cross, a disappointment unparalleled in literary history. I had to stop pacing. I had to get back to reading. I had to know the truth. I had to have an excuse not to vacuum.

Page 707 - Harry sees Dumbledore. "You wonderful boy." says Dumbledore. "You brave, brave man." My eyes well up, but I won't let a tear escape. Not yet. I have to know -- is Potter really dead? Is J.K. Rowling as brave as the hero of her novels?

Page 707 - Dumbledore lets Harry know that he's (Harry) still alive. From this point on I read only to get to the end. There is no enjoyment for me in this series anymore. It has been compromised in a way that I will never forgive. J.K. Rowling has never been an exceptional writer, but she can spin a good tale. But this isn't one of them. Sure, Ron and/or Hermione could still die -- but what does it matter anymore? J.K. just spent the last how many pages playing with our emotions? Messing with our heads to make her book seem like something other than a 700 page tease. We waited a decade for this? Are you fucking kidding me?

Page 709 - "You were the seventh Horcrux, Harry" says Dumbledore. No shit. I called it way back on page 601. "'What, then, was the Horcrux?' How about Harry himself? Isn't this obvious? Now, if I'm wrong, this will be embarrassing." I wrote in the last update.

I wasn't wrong, but it's still embarrassing. Just not for me. It's embarrassing for J.K. Rowling to write such a predictable story full-up of shit. Sorry guys, but this whole thing is really pissing me off. A decade's a long time to wait to be crapped on by some pussy too scared to give us a decent ending to a blockbuster series.

Pages 713 - 714 - Dumbledore rambles on about the Hallows being real. And we'd expect anything else? Like J.K. would title the final fucking novel after some made-up shit. That'd be like finding out in Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets that there really wasn't a Chamber of Secrets but rather an Outhouse of Doodling.

Page 717 - Dumbledore confesses to being a bit of an egotist and failing his sister. This is about as shocking a revelation as we're going to get in The Deathly Hallows. And it isn't all that shocking, as Dumbledore essentially excuses away his actions in the same way that Bush excuses away his years of drinking, driving and cocaine sniffing.

Page 720 - Harry's the true master of death because only the true master of death doesn't run away from death, or something. Gotta love the irony found in nearly every single fantasy book or screenplay ever written.

Page 727 - Hagrid carries Harry's "corpse." I guess this "'corpse-carrying'" is Hagrid's only reason for being in this book. What happened to the big war with the giants that J.K. promised? Is this it? Some big oaf carrying a kid who's playing dead?

Page 733 - Neville slices off the snake's head. Maybe I would have cared 100 pages ago.

Page 736 - "NOT MY DAUGHTER, YOU BITCH!" - Mrs. Weasley. Okay, how could you not like that line?

Page 737 - Harry and Voldemort begin circling each other. Like in a Western. Sorta generic. Somebody just kill somebody else and be done with it, already.

Pages 738 - 743 - Unbelievably, we have to sit through more exposition. And not just exposition, but exposition we've already sat through. It's like J.K. Rowling forgot that we could read Harry's visions, so we also have to hear Harry explain his visions to Voldemort. Seriously, this has to be the first time in literary history where the reader is forced to sit through the exact same exposition twice in one novel. And I never thought Rowling could top the Scooby-Doo ending she wrote up in Chamber of Secrets, but somehow she manages.

Page 744 - Voldemort dies. It's a genuine "meh" moment. And I don't even use the word "meh."

Page 745 - Luna has one final moment to shine and remind everyone how shiny she can be. I can't help but smile through my vile dissatisfaction with The Deathly Hallows. That Luna. She's got me whipped.

Page 747 - Dumbledore in the portrait breaking down was moving. I'll admit it. Not moving enough to make me reconsider the sheer suckiness of this book, but moving nonetheless.

Page 753 - "Nineteen Years Later." Just when you think it can't get any worse, it gets worser (is "worser" really a word? Spell check isn't calling it out). If you care at all about this series, you will stop reading prior to page 753. This is where J.K. reveals her backup plan. She knows she isn't a writer proper and all she has going is Harry Potter, so she sets up a sequel with the children of the children made famous in the first 7 novels. And, in the process, she expects us to believe that Harry stuck with Ginny, Hermione stuck with Ron and everyone named everyone after anyone that mattered in the first seven books. That makes it easier for J.K. when she writes the shitty follow-up series. Why waste time with new names when you can conveniently rewrite the same story with the same names and still bring in the billions? What a joke Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows turned out to be. But the joke's on J.K. Rowling, as even her most devoted fans will find the "epilogue" to this novel desperate at best and pathetic at worst.

Well, Harry Potter is over and has ended in a raging torrent of disillusionment. I think I'm going to get obscenely drunk and eat an ungodly number of KitKat candy bars. As far as I can recall, no novel has ever caused me to do that before ... and I've read a lot of novels. Thanks for setting me down the path of obesity and alcoholism, J.K. Your little wizard fable has destroyed my life. Hope you're happy, bitch.
--Alex Sandell

Deconstructing Harry Part 6: A Review in Seven Parts

Click for Part 1. Click for Part 2. Click for Part 3. Click for Part 4. Click for Part 5.

Author's note: The "thoughts-per-page" posted are the exact thoughts I had while reading that very page. They have not nor will not be edited in retrospect or changed in hindsight. Here are my thoughts on pages 521-640 of Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows:

Page 521 - "He could give my mother lessons ..." Once again, Ron gets all the best lines.

Page 525 - Back to Diagon Alley! Woo-hoo -- we're home again!

Page 540 - Goblins, dragons, burning flesh and suffocating treasure. They're in deep, this time.

Page 541 - Unless Harry goes nuts (as Harry's prone to do) screams, "Relashio" and sets the dragon free Hermione, Ron and Harry will never escape Gringotts.

Page 543 - This dragon escape scene is awesome. So awesome I printed the word "Awesome" in my book as a note to remind Juicy readers how awesome the scene truly is in its pure awesomeness. The Deathly Hallows, more than any other Potter book, has needed an action scene like this. It's been long overdue (unless you really get off on repetitive exposition and Ron and Harry bickering).

Page 548 - "All three of them started to laugh, and once started, it was difficult to stop." Unfortunately, not that difficult. More and more I'm missing the humor of the earlier Potter books. Books 6 and 7 have been sort of a drag. Unless things pick up quickly, the last worthwhile Potter novel will be The Order of the Phoenix.

Page 549 - Voldemort isn't so much a threat as he is a gigantic baby. A little pussy throwing temper-tantrums. Only, his tantrums lead to the mass slaughter of his followers. Poor followers following a little pussy.

Page 551 - Big baby Voldemort finds it "prudent" to alert Snape that Potter may try to reenter Hogwarts. COME ON! How stupid are you Voldemort? At this point you have to be the only living being too dumb to figure out that Snape is a good guy, has always been a good guy and is working for Dumbledore. Well, you and Harry Potter. Maybe the two of you are tied together not by your souls or your scars or your killing curses -- maybe you're tied together by your sheer idiocy. Idiots.

Page 552 - After some convenient reading of Voldemort's mind Harry rubs it in to Hermione and Ron by revealing the last Horcrux is at Hogwarts and he "knew it." At this point the only happy ending this book could have is if the exceedingly slow Ron, Harry, Hermione and Voldemort agree to a mass suicide as a way to raise the average IQ of muggles, wizards, retards and witches around the world.

Page 553 - "Get under the Cloak, Hermione," says Harry, "I want to stick together this time." Whatever works, I guess. At least he didn't drop a roofie in her butterbeer.

Page 556 - More Dementors surround Harry & Co. Is it just me or is book 7 in the Potter series nothing more than a trio of whiny bitches walking aimlessly around only to be attacked every 50 or 60 pages by Dementors or Death Eaters?

Page 558 - Aberforth Dumbledore saves the gang by pulling them into Hog's Head Inn and making up the fakiest most unbelievable lie ever. One Death Eater says he saw a stag Patronus (which he did). Aberforth says it was a goat and calls the Death Eater an "idiot." The Death Eater apologizes and all is well. Boy, these Death Eaters are about as threatening as the common cold. Maybe everyone in the Potter Universe is mentally disabled.

Page 562 - Aberforth tries to convince Harry that Dumbledore is the master of secrets and lies and tries to convince Harry to escape before he becomes another causality in the long list of folks who have died for the wizard. Harry will have none of it, being that he's dumb. And heroic. A poor combination.

Page 564 - Aberforth explains what happened to his sister. It's a long story, but actually fairly interesting. If you want to hear it you can buy the book. Oh, and he says the word "bastard."

Page 570 - A beat up Neville Longbottom appears. "I knew you'd come! I knew it Harry!" No pressure for Potter there at all. Nope, none whatsoever.

Page 573 - Neville reveals that the Carrows (Death Eaters) at Hogwarts like doling out punishment in the form of torture. So much so that they make Umbridge "look tame." They must be really, really nasty. Umbridge is Satan in a pink dress.

Page 573 - The "Defense Against the Dark Arts" has been changed to "The Dark Arts." This isn't your parents' Hogwarts.

Page 577 - Dumbledore's Army is still alive and well and practicing in the Room of Requirement.

Page 578 - The Room of Requirement "sprouted up" a bathroom once girls started joining. I guess the guys just took dumps on the floor. And farted out of their guy butts. Like guys are prone to do, with their manly buttholes that fart.

Page 582 - Cho Chang has her moment. Sadly, it lasts no more than a sentence or two. I guess Cho Chang didn't matter to J.K. anymore than she mattered to Harry.

Page 589 - Luna Lovegood is a goddess. If I could date a fictional character, it would be her. She's so spacey yet, at the same time, she's a genius. I love you Luna and I don't care who knows it! Even Ginny -- that boring git!

Page 591 - Professor Minerva McGonagall finally shows up. Nobody cares. Except for big nerds with Professor McGonagall posters on their walls.

Page 597 - Snape walks in. J.K. pretends he's a big bad. No one's thought that since the middle of the first book in the series.

Page 601 - "What, then, was the Horcrux?" How about Harry himself? Isn't this obvious? Now, if I'm wrong, this will be embarrassing.

Page 605 - Yay Percy Weasley! Way to come around to your senses and everything. Senses are good.

Page 607 - If Hermione or Ron die I'll donate $100 to J.K.'s charity of choice. If both die, I'll donate $1,000.00. Lucky for me neither will die and I'll donate nothing. Is this even supposed to be entertaining anymore, or just a series of false leads? I feel like I'm reading the book based on Friday the 13th Part 4: The Final Chapter. No true sense of finality. If J.K. meant business, either Hermione, Ron or Harry would have died by now.

Page 613 - Nearly Headless Nick. Whatever happened to him in the movies? Speaking of which; whatever happened to Moaning Myrtle in the books?

Page 625 - Hermione kissing Ron in the heat of battle is so Pirates of the Caribbean 2. Want a real life tip? One that will help you, y'know, stay alive when living a life that is real? Don't start making out when you're seconds from death. Those seconds matter. Really.

Page 636 - Percy's resignation pretty much totally rules. He's a Weasley, through and through!

Page 637 - Fred Weasley is dead. This one comes as quite a blow. No tears to be shed, but I will miss Fred. I will shed a tear for Ron, Hermione and/or Harry if they die in this war. J.K.'s claims that this may not be the last Harry Potter book have me terrified. As far as I'm concerned, Ron, Hermione and/or Harry dies or J.K. kills the series.

So the book's been a bit of a disappointment thus far, but with some excellent action scenes and a few fun moments that keep me reading. Will it redeem itself? What will be Harry's fate and what will be the fate of the series? Only one update left in this 7 part series. Will this all be worth it or will The Deathly Hallows be nothing more than a waste of time for millions wasting billions of dollars?
--Alex Sandell

Deconstructing Harry Part 5: A Review in Seven Parts

Click for Part 1. Click for Part 2. Click for Part 3. Click for Part 4.

Author's note: The "thoughts-per-page" posted are the exact thoughts I had while reading that very page. They have not nor will not be edited in retrospect or changed in hindsight. I will hold off on giving my opinion of the book until I've finished reading it. Here are my thoughts on pages 401-520 of Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows:

Page 404 - And the book's title finally makes its grand entrance. Turns out the symbol Xenophilius was wearing at Bill and Fleur's wedding is the sign of the Deathly Hallows.

Page 409 - When put together, "The Elder Wand," "The Resurrection Stone" and "The Cloak of Invisibility" make up the Deathly Hallows. Either that or a Happy Meal.

Page 410 - The three Hallows united will make their owner the "master of death." Hermione has a problem with the concept and is called "narrow" and "close-minded." Ouch.

Page 418 - Harry enters Luna's room. It appears no one's lived there for weeks. I wrote the word "shit" in my copy of the book. Then, for good measure, I wrote the word "piss." Just when I think I'm gonna get a little Luna action, it's yanked away from me.

Page 419 - Turns out Luna's dad's been pressured to change his stories in The Quibbler to please The Ministry. Why? They took his daughter and he's hoping that if he complies they'll give her back.

Page 425 - After escaping the Death Eaters that nearly capture the gang in Luna's house, Hermione says her parents are safe because they're in Australia. Yes. Australia. Because Voldemort would never look there during the off-season.

Page 426 - Ron says "damn" again. Certain members of the Religious Right spontaneously combust.

Page 429 - Harry wonders if Hallows versus Horcruxes is a way to victory. "The last enemy that shall be destroyed is death." Potter wonders if the three Hallows making him the master of death would give him the power to destroy "the last enemy."

Page 431 - Voldemort is also after The Elder Wand. But Harry doesn't believe good old Voldy fully knows its power.

Page 438 - The password to listen to "Potterwatch" -- the radio show created to debunk the misinformation about Potter -- is "Albus." Ooh ... that was a tough one. Wonder how anyone figured it out?

Page 439 - "Muggle slaughter is becoming little more than a recreational sport under the new regime."

Page 440 - "Muggles remain ignorant of the source of their suffering as they continue to sustain heavy casualties." Sounds like Muggles to me. Has this book suddenly jumped into the "non-fiction" aisle at the bookstore?

Page 445 - "Voldemort." Oh, good one, Harry. The name is no longer silly superstition. You say it, you're caught. Before Harry could get out a, "My bad," a dozen wands were pointed at him, Hermione and Ron.

Page 459 - Draco's tired of being a bad guy.

Page 463 (and more) - Hermione is tortured.

Page 464 - Luna Lovegood is back! Yay!

Page 466 - "Hermione's screams echoed off the walls upstairs ..." Is this the final Potter novel or the newest Saw film?

Page 467 - Dobby the house-elf is back! And he's Apparated to save the imprisoned group of heroes. "Dobby has come to rescue you."

Page 476 - Dobby's dead. But he died a heroic death as a free elf. That would suck if Mad-Eye Moody and Dobby are the two "main characters" J.K. Rowling has went on and on about killing. Harry, Ron or Hermione -- at least one of them has to go. I've always hoped Potter would die and his death would be avenged by Ron and Hermione.

Page 492 - Horcrux or Hallows? Harry's made his choice and he's went with Horcruxes for the win.

Page 496 - Ollivander reveals that Voldemort is only looking for the Elder Wand to defeat Harry's. He (Voldemort) apparently knows next to nothing about the Deathly Hallows.

Page 497 - Or ... er ... boy did I mess that one up. "The Dark Lord no longer seeks the Elder Wand for your destruction, Mr. Potter. He is determined to possess it because he believes it will make him truly invulnerable." I'm guessing he believes wrong.

Page 499 - So that's why Dumbledore dueled Grindelwald.

Page 500 - They're going to Hogwarts! I knew J.K. wouldn't end the series without Hogwarts making an appearance.

Page 501 - Busting into his tomb and stealing from Dumbledore's corpse -- Voldemort knows no shame. And I still wonder if Dumbledore is really dead. I guess I'm still in the "denial" phase of grieving.

Page 514 - Lupin and Tonks had their baby and Harry's a godfather. So wizards believe in God, then?

Page 517 - Y'know how when you buy a piece of software or music nowadays it says that it isn't your property and your purchase has only granted you a "license" to use said software? A license that may be revoked at any time? And that you may not share the item you "leased" with friends or family? It looks like corporations are run by goblins. As Bill explains, "To a goblin, the rightful and true master of any object is the maker, not the purchaser. All goblin-made objects are, in goblin eyes, rightfully theirs. They have ... great difficulty with the idea of goblin-made objects passing from wizard to wizard. They consider our habit of keeping goblin-made objects, passing them from wizard to wizard without further payment, little more than theft." Read the back of the next piece of software you buy. Sound familiar?

Page 518 - Oh great, now 17-year-old Harry's drunk. Seriously, Conservatives should just close this book up, hide their heads in the sand, and pretend the Harry Potter series never happened.

And the book and the Harry Potter series is nearing its finale. How will it end? Who will live? Who will die? Only one way to find out (well, technically two ways to find out, if you count reading the book all by yourself as a way) ... be back tomorrow for Part 6 of 7!
--Alex Sandell

Deconstructing Harry Part 4: A Review in Seven Parts

Click for Part 1. Click for Part 2. Click for Part 3

Author's note: The "thoughts-per-page" posted are the exact thoughts I had while reading that very page. They have not nor will not be edited in retrospect or changed in hindsight. I will hold off on giving my opinion of the book until I've finished reading it. Here are my thoughts on pages 301-400 of Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows:

Page 302 - "She deserved her punishment, as did the idiot Longbottom and the Lovegood oddity!" Oh yeah, like you're one to talk Phineas. Anyone running around with a name as close to "Penis" as yours would do just as well to keep his mouth shut about others.

Page 304 - The Gryffindor sword at Hogwarts is a fake. The real sword has been removed and is capable of destroying the Horcruxes. Harry gets all excited and punches the air like a bit of a retard.

Page 306 - Ron holds off on the retarded air-punching and instead decides to tear Harry a new asshole.

Page 308 - "You don't give a rat's fart, do you ..." Ron Weasley, to Harry Potter

Page 309 - Ron and Harry go at it like never before. If it weren't for Hermione intervening, one of them would have likely killed the other. Harry feels a "corrosive hatred toward Ron."

Page 310 - Ron leaves Harry and Hermione behind. This can only mean that Ron will come back like a knight in shining armor and save the day when Harry's about to die. The question is: Will Ron die saving Harry? Trust me, J.K. didn't write this as Ron's final exit from the series. Something big is going to happen and Ron is going to do something heroic in an attempt to save his friend, Harry Potter.

Page 311 - "[Harry and Hermione's] protective enchantment meant that it would be impossible ... for Ron to find them again." I bet.

Page 329 - The description of James and Lily Potter's final resting spot in Godric's Hollow was vivid and sort of depressing. Poor Harry.

Page 340 - The snake crawling out of Bathilda Bagshot's neck is some pretty freaky shit. Parents will be up with their kids for weeks after reading them this scene.

Page 342 - 345 - The night of James and Lily's deaths is a pretty traumatic read. Murder is never pretty and Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows is no exception to the rule.

Page 355 - This whole "Harry doubting Dumbledore's intentions" part of the book is lame. Obviously Albus Dumbledore isn't going to turn out to be a bad guy, so why is J.K. wasting space?

Page 361 - Did Snape kill Dumbledore to save the Muggles? That's as far-fetched as you could get, but the thought crossed my mind so I'm typing it here. "I don't believe it," said Hermione. I don't either, hon. Did I just type, "hon?" Yikes.

Page 362 - Harry stupidly decides that Dumbledore never loved him and uses the curse form of the word, "damn." More members of the Christian Right buy more copies of the book to burn at those gatherings they have where they burn things. The Christian Right alone will make this one a best-seller.

Page 371 - And here's Ron's triumphant return. And of course he's saving Harry's life. And it only took 61 pages. Thanks to Ron, Harry now has the real sword of Gryffindor.

Page 374 - "Let's get rid of the damn thing ..." for shame, for shame. Watch the mouth, Potter.

Page 375 - The Horcrux turns out to be one nasty little bastard. Ron destroys it, but not before letting it verbally abuse him for minutes on end.

Page 380 - Ron, expecting hugs and kisses from a lonely Hermione gets punches and kicks from her, instead. She even calls him an "arse" and wonders where her wand is, so she can inflict more damage on her poor boyfriend.

Page 381 - Yelling at Ron, "[Hermione's] voice was so shrill only bats would be able to hear it soon." Funny stuff. I actually laughed while reading. Then I looked around self-conscientiously to make sure no one heard me.

Page 382 - Ron introduces us to "Snatchers." They're basically bounty hunters rounding up Muggle-borns and "blood-traitors" in hopes of receiving a reward from the Ministry for their efforts.

Page 389 - Ron, Hermione and Harry decide to visit Xenophilius Lovegood.

Page 392 - I write a note to myself stating, "Could Dumbledore be alive and in hiding? Could Snape have been killed and Dumbledore is using Polyjuice Potion to appear as Severus and to maintain his position as Headmaster of Hogwarts? Could both of them still be alive?"

Page 396 - As it's the Christmas holidays, Ron predicts that Luna will be home. My heart skips a beat.

And we'll have to wait until tomorrow to find out if she's there. And hopefully what the hell the "Deathly Hallows" are all about.
--Alex Sandell

Deconstructing Harry Part 3: A Review in Seven Parts

Click for Part 1. Click for part 2.

Author's note: The "thoughts-per-page" posted are the exact thoughts I had while reading that very page. They have not nor will not be edited in retrospect or changed in hindsight. I will hold off on giving my opinion of the book until I've finished reading it. Here are my thoughts on pages 201-300 of Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows:

Page 202 - Ron playing with his Deluminator as Hermione tries to study her book is some pretty funny stuff.

Page 206 - Scrimgeour noble? Who woulda thought?

Page 207 - Death Eaters have the "full might" of the Ministry on their side now and have taken over the press. They're performing abusive, illegal spells with no fear of negative repercussions. Sort of like Scooter Libby.

Page 208 - Harry's being villainized in the press, placing fear into the empty pockets of society where hope should reside.

Page 209 - A "Muggle-born Registration Commission" has been created. Ridiculous claims are being made by the Ministry stating that if you're born with magic but do not have magic in your family you "stole" it, which is cause for arrest (or worse). Keep the people down and they won't dare stand up as Voldemort destroys the world they once knew and loved.

Page 222 - Anyone surprised that Dolores Umbridge is back in the picture? Anyone thrilled? This woman made for one nasty bitch in book 5 and is probably my favorite villain in the series.

Page 225 - Severus Snape is appointed as new Headmaster of Hogwarts. I'm still not convinced he's a bad guy. Part of me thinks he's been put there to try and keep things slightly under control as the universe unravels around him.

Page 242 - That statue in the Atrium is nasty. A witch and a wizard sitting atop "Hundreds and hundreds of naked bodies, men women and children, all with rather stupid, ugly faces, twisted and pressed together ..." The statue reads, "MAGIC IS MIGHT." I predicted correctly: This one's the darkest Harry Potter book yet.

Page 245 - Dolores Umbridge makes her grand entrance. I feel all tingly.

Page 249 - Dolores using Mad-Eye Moody's eye to spy on her employees? Okay, so maybe Mad-Eye did die a heroic death after-all. Can't say I'm sure either way. Still leaning toward his being a traitor, but at this point it's getting pretty 50/50.

Page 251 - Harry discovers that Umbridge has a new title: Head of the Muggle-Born Registration Commission. She's keeping tabs on everyone, just like the Department of Homeland Security. Arthur Weasley's file lists him as a "Pureblood" but goes on to state that he has, "unacceptable pro-Muggle leanings." His movements are being monitored.

Page 252 - Harry finds out that he's considered "Undesirable Number One." I think it's supposed to be a revelation, but didn't we already know this in the first book?

Page 257 - The courtrooms where Muggles and half-bloods are tried are being guarded by Dementors. Or, as J.K. Rowling puts it, Dementors. Because you're not truly demented until your dementia warrants italics.

Page 258 - Harry sees someone carried off to suffer his fate for being born with magical abilities but with no wizardry in his family. He claims his father was a wizard and he is a half-blood. Umbridge says, in that condescending, fingers-on-chalkboard way she says things, that this is his last warning and if he doesn't go quietly he will be "subjected to the Dementor's kiss." It's a pretty oppressive scene.

Page 260 - "Umbridge laughed a soft girlish laugh that made Harry want to attack her." Man, do I hope Umbridge gets hers. I'd rather see Umbridge slaughtered in the end than I would Voldemort.

Page 262 - Harry unexpectedly throws caution to the wind and begins kicking ass and taking names. Most exciting section of the book thus far.

Page 263 - Harry to one of those on trial: "Get out, get out of the country ... disguise yourselves and run. You've seen how it is, you won't get anything like a fair hearing here." Alright, I'm convinced, J.K. is writing her politics into her children's novels. Good for her.

Page 268 - In a way I wish it were the Forbidden Forest. The longer the book goes on, the more nostalgic I'm getting for old locations and characters.

Page 269 - Ron gets "splinched" as the gang Disapparated (sort of like a "Transporter accident" on Star Trek). He's alive, but he's seriously messed up. Good luck getting this scene in a PG-13 movie.

Page 270 - Now that Yaxley's discovered their hideout at Grimmauld Place, the last familiar location from the previous 6 books has just been yanked away from our heroes and from us, as readers (although I'm guessing a few surprises are in store).

Page 273 - "Erecto" - Hermione. You figure out what spell she was casting and why.

Page 275 - Nearly 300 pages in and the trio's found exactly one Horcrux.

Page 283 - This thief intrigues me. "A Fred and George-ish air of triumphant trickery about him." He couldn't be a Weasley, could he?

Page 286 - "[M]aybe we ought not to wear it." Ya think?

Page 289 - Harry believes Voldemort may have hidden a Horcrux at Hogwarts! Pack up the books, gang -- looks like we're going back to school one last time!

Page 290 - "Forget Hogwarts" - Harry, defeated. Put the books back on the shelves, kids -- looks like school's out, forever.

Page 290 - "[G]ame of "pass-the-parcel." Must be a British thing.

Page 292 - "[Harry] tried to think of further Horcrux locations, but the only one that continued to occur to him was Hogwarts." Oh, J.K. -- why must you toy with our emotions this way?

Page 293 - Hermione goes all feminist on Ron. Take that Ron, you sexist pig!

Page 299 - Hurray for the alternative press! The Quibbler is printing "all the stuff" the mainstream Prophet's ignoring. That reminds me, I need to renew my subscription to The Nation.

Page 300 - Someone says "hell" in a children's book. The swearword version of the word. Anyone have a match? The Christian Right may be running out by this point.
--Alex Sandell

Deconstructing Harry Part 2: A Review in Seven Parts

Click to read Part 1, if you haven't already

Author's note: I haven't read ahead in the book. The "thoughts-per-page" posted are the exact thoughts I had while reading that very page. They have not been edited in retrospect or changed in hindsight. Many thoughts will be wrong. Many will be right. I will hold off on giving my opinion of the book until I'm finished reading it. Here are my thoughts on pages 101-200 of Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows:

Page 104 - Hermione reveals that a Horcrux is the opposite of a human-being. If you run a human through with a sword, their soul will survive, untouched. If you destroy a Horcrux the very soul contained within will perish.

Page 105 - Harry's doubting his relationship with Dumbledore again. Who was this hippy-dippy wizard, anyway?

Page 114 - "It's traditional to give a wizard a watch when he comes of age." I guess it beats a sweater. Of course Harry's watch is used, because Harry is repressed and everything. The Wizarding community sure doesn't come through much for their savior.

Page 116 - Ginny gives Harry a superior present. She sneaks him off into a room and begins "kissing him as she had never kissed him before." Harry considers it "blissful oblivion" and enjoys it so much that even "firewhisky" cannot compare. Tweens have just been given masturbation fantasies that will last them throughout adolescence -- or at least until they find their dad's stash of Playboy Magazines.

Page 120 - Hagrid gives Harry a birthday gift that will come in handier than the hard-on Ginny delivered. It's a "Mokeskin." You can hide anything inside it and only the owner can get it back out.

Page 125 - Rufus Scrimgeour -- a sort of George W. Bush doppelganger -- crashes Harry's party to give Harry, Ron and Hermione what was left for them by Dumbledore in his will. Ron gets a Deluminator (it's a lighter shaped object that can turn lights in rooms on and off at will), Hermione receives a copy of The Tales of Beedle the Bard (a collection of children's stories) and a disappointed Harry is willed the snitch he caught in his first Quidditch match.

Page 128 - Harry discovers Dumbledore also left him "The sword of Godric Gryffindor." But Scrimgeour isn't willing to give up the sword, claiming it wasn't Dumbledore's to grant in the first place. Harry all freaks out (as Harry's prone to do), thinking the sword was mean to be bestowed upon him to kill Voldemort.

Page 134 - There's more to the Snitch than Harry had suspected. In Dumbledore's handwriting appears the words, "I open at the close." The close of Harry's life? The close of Macy's Day 24 Hour Sale? Did Dumbledore suddenly turn into the Riddler? Mysterious ...

Page 137 - At Bill and Fleur's wedding, Harry drinks some Polyjuice and disguises himself as "Cousin Barny." Oh, so now they figure it out. I'm surprised J.K. Rowling didn't have everyone at the wedding drink the potion and turn themselves into 100 Harry Potters.

Page 140 - Luna Lovegood makes her first appearance. She's my favorite character in the entire series and a I have a feeling she'll be nothing more than a bit-player in The Deathly Hallows. I hope I'm wrong. But I know I won't be.

Page 143 - Viktor Crum makes an appearance. Nobody cares.

Page 145 - Harry feels sorry for himself.

Page 148 - If Viktor is to be believed, Luna's dad is wearing Grindelwald's sign. Grindelwald was a dark wizard that Dumbledore went down in infamy for defeating in a battle. But who the fuck believes Viktor?

Page 152 - Elphias Doge reveals that, after becoming "rather rude" with Rita Skeeter, aspersions were cast upon his sanity. Pretty much par for the course with the Bush Administration. How much of this is coincidence and how much is Rowling working politics into her books?

Page 154 - A drunken and gossipy Auntie Muriel spits all over the image of Albus Dumbledore. She claims Kendra Dumbledore locked her daughter Ariana in the cellar for being a "squib." Locked in a cellar for being different? This is something Harry can relate to. His faith is being shaken in Dumbledore, who, according to a tipsy Muriel, sat by passively doing nothing to help his sister.

Page 155 - Sure enough, Harry identifies with Kendra Dumbledore. Was she locked up like Harry, only for knowing too little magic, while Harry was locked away for knowing too much?

Page 158 - Harry finds that Dumbledore's mother and sister were buried close to his mother and father in Godric's Hollow. Harry feels that Dumbledore lied by omission.

Page 159 - Harry doesn't have much time for self-pity prior to a Patronus arriving at the wedding uninvited and declaring, "the ministry has fallen. Scrimgeour is dead. They are coming."

Page 160 - Death Eaters arrive at the place of celebration. Harry, Ron and Hermione narrowly escape with their lives, as they narrowly always do.

Page 162 - Hermione says "damn." Conservative Christians everywhere debate burning the book. Because, of course, they've never cursed before in their lives.

Page 163 - In the Muggle world, Hermione is perfect jail bait. Men begin "wolf-whistling" and hitting on her. Conservative Christians decide that the book does, indeed, need to be burned.

Page 168 - Although he's now 17, could Harry still have a trace on him? Who could have put it there? I'm guessing Mad-Eye Moody, even though he's "dead."

Page 173 - Hermione moves to the political right. "You've got to close your mind!" she tells Harry. Next, she'll join in the closest scheduled book-burning of the latest Harry Potter novel.

Page 174 - Draco makes his grand entrance. He seems unwillingly resigned to torturing those who fail Voldemort.

Page 177 - Harry's starting to have mega-doubts about Dumbledore. Going so far as to compare the great wizard to Dudley. Dudley?!? Now that just stings.

Page 178 - What I wouldn't have given for "Permanent Sticking Charm" when I was a young teenager. "Don't like my Freddy Krueger poster, mom? Tough fucking shit. Try to remove it ... I dare you."

Page 181 - "It seems incredible that Dumbledore" Way to leave us hanging, J.K.. You do know I want your head on a stake for this, don't you? Esp. when it's going to turn out that Albus Dumbledore had reasons for his every action and was never cruel to anyone ... esp. his own blood.

Page 182 - Baby Harry and his mini-broom was a moving scene. Made me get all lumpy in the throat.

Page 186 - Sirius Black's brother, Regulus, was a Death Eater. Regulus? Where does J.K. come up with these ridiculous names? I guess I shouldn't be shocked, as this is the woman who named an entire series after a character named "Harry."

Page 196 - Yikes. Kreacher went through hell and back. He's still an asshole, as far as I'm concerned.

Page 198 - Hermione gets the biggest "I-told-you-so" thus far. It's not hard to see her gloating in that, "I'm really not gloating" sort of way that she's perfected over the course of 7 novels.
--Alex Sandell

Deconstructing Harry: A Review in Seven Parts (Part 1)

Part 1: Pages 1 - 100

Author's note: I have not read ahead in the book. The "thoughts-per-page" posted are the exact thoughts I had while reading that very page. They have not been edited in retrospect or changed in hindsight. Many of my guesses could be wrong. More could be right. I will hold off on giving my opinion (review) on the book until I'm finished reading it. Without further adieu, here are my thoughts on the first 100 pages of Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows:

Page 3 - Severus Snape revealed to be a bad guy? Could Albus Dumbledore have been that wrong about him in the last book?

Page 11 - "We shall cut away the canker that infects us until only those of the true blood remain." Voldemort's hatred of Mudbloods is an even stronger racial allegory in The Deathly Hallows than it was in the previous books. I wouldn't be surprised if he went after Mudbloods marrying purebloods, claiming that it destroyed the "sanctity of marriage."

Page 12 - "The dwindling of the purebloods is ... a most desirable circumstance.... She would have us mate with Muggles...." Can't say I was surprised.

Page 12 - "Dinner, Nagini ..." Looks like this one's going to be the darkest Potter book yet.

Page 13 - Harry never learning to repair wounds will definitely come into play later in the book. Gives Hermione something to do, other than to stand around looking pretty.

Page 15 - Sad watching Harry put his school things behind him. Who else is going to miss Hogwarts?

Page 22 - Rita Skeeter up to her old tricks, but this time even nastier than before. In the 4 weeks since his death, she's written a nine-hundred-page biography on Albus Dumbledore titled, "The Life and Times of Albus Dumbledore." This includes "an entire chapter" on the "unhealthy" Potter-Dumbledore relationship. "Dumbledore's legions of admirers may well be trembling at what is soon to emerge about their hero."

Page 29 - "If anything was certain, it was the bright blue eyes of Albus Dumbledore would never pierce (Harry) again." Somehow I doubt that.

Page 30 - More fun with the Dursley family. The bumbling and tumbling group is as funny, hard-headed and cold-hearted as ever, but this time the humor leaves a bittersweet aftertaste. Esp. when Dudley performs an about face and is kind to Harry and thankful to the young wizard for saving his life.

Page 44 - Harry's getting nostalgic for the Dursley home he grew up in. Going as far to feel a slight tinge of remorse over leaving the small closet he was forced to sleep in under the staircase for so many years of his life. Seems about as realistic as a Jewish person longing for Auswitchz. But whatever, it's fiction.

Page 47 - Convinced that Voldemort doesn't expect Harry to be moved until the 30th, Mad-Eye Moody and the gang arrive to rush Harry out of his home.

Page 50 - Ron, Hermione, Fred, George, Fleur and a reluctant Mundungus drink the Polyjuice Potion, turning themselves into visual clones of Harry Potter. This is to distract the Death Eaters that Voldemort has patrolling the skies. Why not just change Harry's looks and save all the trouble? They may be magical, but these magic types sure aren't practical.

Page 55 - Headwig Dead. We hardly knew ye, ya silly Owl.

Page 56 - AMBUSH! Someone let Voldemort know that Harry was leaving prior to the 30th and Harry and Hagrid find themselves surrounded by at least 30 Death Eaters.

Page 59 - Harry is recognized as the real Potter. Which sends ...

Page 60 - ... Voldemort directly at Harry. Voldemort has no use for petty accessories such as brooms, flying motorcycles or the Nintendo Wii Balance Board. This nasty bastard has the power to fly on his own, thank you very much. "Voldemort was flying like smoke on the wind, without broomstick or thestral to hold him. Not even a Wii Balance Board, for that matter." I made up the "Not even a Wii Balance Board, for that matter" part of the quote.

Page 61 - Hagrid's dead? I don't buy it. It's too early in the book and he's too big a character (literally and metaphorically).

Page 69 - George finally shows up at the Burrow (replacing number twelve, Grimmauld Place as the Order's HQ) worse for the wear. His ear is missing and his face is covered in blood.

Page 73 - It's revealed that there has been a mass breakout at Azkaban that the Ministry of Magic has covered up. For some reason it seems like that reveal came a couple of books ago, but maybe I'm remembering incorrectly. Sort of like the back of a sweetened cereal box, without the impending cavities.

Page 73 - Was it really Snape that took off George's ear? I'm having trouble believing that. So far, if The Deathly Hallows has any reason for existing, it's to hear Albus Dumbledore say, "I told you so!" from beyond the grave. Although, knowing Albus, he'd just politely wink and then change shape from Richard Harris to Michael Gambon.

Page 74 - It's nice to find that George can still crack a bad joke and remain in good spirits with one of his ears removed. If my ear were removed, I'd be crying and whining like the little bitch that I am.

Page 78 - Mad-Eye Moody dead? Killed by Voldemort?

Page 81 - "The suddenness and completeness of death was with them like a presence." Yep, Mad-Eye Moody is dead. But did Voldemort really kill him?

Page 83 - Harry's wand acted of its own accord, casting its own spell to stop Voldemort from killing young Potter? Hmm. I'm guessing someone else cast the spell for him. Wands don't perform their own magic. The self-preserving wand was a cover-up.

Page 89 - Mrs. Weasley tries her best to keep Harry, Ron and Hermione apart. She's upset the three are leaving school to go after the horcruxes (receptacles where a dark wizard has hidden fragments of his soul, hoping to achieve immortality) and Voldemort himself. And to think, my mom was pissed when I skipped first hour photography class to eat pancakes at the tiny greasy-spoon located in Small Town, USA.

Page 91 - Mad-Eye Moody's body cannot be found. Could he be the member of the Order of the Phoenix who let Voldemort know Harry was leaving prior to the 30th? Is Mad-Eye a villain? J.K.'s gone down this path before and I'm going to be severely disappointed if she goes down it once again.

Page 92 - "Why in the name of Merlin's saggy left ..." - Ron Weasley

Page 96 - Hermione's gotten her hands on Mad-Eye's whole stock of Polyjuice Potion. That'll come in handy!

And now, back to reading. Part 2 of Deconstructing Harry will be up soon!
--Alex Sandell

5 Dumbest Things Americans Have Protested in the Past 5 Years

5. Evolution

None of the signs they hold up or mantras they chant could do as effective a job making a case against evolution as the fact that there are actually humans in the 21st Century who don't believe in evolution.

4. Gay Marriage

The argument goes, "Protect the sanctity of marriage." No, it's not really much of an argument, but it won't go away. Esp. during the Republican Primaries. Stupid Republicans and their primaries.

3. Stem Cell Research

Anyone protesting stem cell research today needs to step to the back of the line in 50 years when the research has helped discover a cure for Alzheimer's, Parkinson's and cancer. Paraplegics will have to have someone carry them there.

2. The Shitty Virgin Mary

Some guy put elephant dung on a painting of the Holy Virgin Mary, people protested and then New York Mayor Rudolph Giuliani threatened to cut funding to the Brooklyn Art Museum if it chose to run the exhibit. I suppose elephant dung could have mildly offended a person or two, but look at the picture and tell me what you think really had their undies up in a bunch:

Was it the dung, or? Which brings me to ...

1. Janet Jackson's Nipple

If there was only one incident in all of humanity that would send future generations into hysterics, it would be the reaction people had over seeing a nipple during a football game. Fines were dealt, debates were had and countless hours of "news" was devoted to a millisecond shot of a woman's nipple slip. People said the "innocent" minds of children everywhere would be corrupted. Well, guess what that nipple was made for? To feed innocent children. Just because they make grown men horny doesn't make them "bad." The smell of pumpkins make grown men horny. Are we going to ban Halloween?

Oh, wait ... maybe I shouldn't give them any ideas.
--Alex Sandell