I'm a Big Fucking Geek

Recent video game demos and my nerdy thoughts on them (in alphabetical order, for extra geekiness)

Beautiful Katamari (XBOX 360)

I guess this was a big title on the Playstation consoles. Try as I might, I don't get the appeal. From the demo now up on the 360 (MS, once again, trying to gain some Japanese gamers), it seems lame. Bad graphics. Bad comedy. What the hell? I'm supposed to run around rolling up a ball until it gets bigger and bigger? That's it??? This is why I've steered clear of so many critically acclaimed niche games that found cult followings on Sony consoles. MS should have let is stay with Sony as they have some quirky fans who like playing with their balls and those fans are disgusted that MS took their balls away from them. I don't see this selling well for the Xbox at all. If I wanted to play with balls, I'd take a warm bath so my own would get all big and droopy and then I'd jump out, put an ice cube on them, watch them shrink and laugh at what cowards they are. I mean -- it's only ice.

3 out of 10

Bioshock (XBOX 360, PC)

This was the game that made me sell my soul and buy a 360 again (my fifth -- these things are as long-lasting as toilet tissue). Based on the demo, my sold soul was worth the price. The game is based on Ayn Rand's Objectivism (also known as: "Sociopathism" or "Greedism"), and its story is deep for an FPS. The atmosphere is thick, the gameplay is intense, the art direction is awe-inspiring. This is one game that -- based on the "45 minute" demo that really takes 15 minutes to beat -- lives up to the hype. Unless something goes horribly wrong (such as Ayn Rand coming off as a heroic visionary), this will be the best game of the year. Someone on a video game site I frequent mentioned Rand being the end boss. It was mere speculation, but if it turned out to be true, I'd beat that boss more than Bowser in the original Super Mario Bros. Even if you don't get to shoot the shit out of a digital Ayn, the game still has a chance at being the greatest game ever created. It's not off to a bad start, as the demo is the best demo ever released.

10 out of 10

Blue Dragon (XBOX 360)

More Microsoft pandering to the Japanese audience they will never get. The game does look pretty and the story seems as though it will be semi-compelling in a kiddy sort of way. But it also seems boring. Not unbearable, but not $60 of fun, either. If you like turn-based RPG titles, this one should please you in a Final Fantasy sort of way. If not, stay away. Although the dragon is blue, which is cool. Since most dragons are red. And everyone knows red dragons are gay.

5 out of 10

DiRT (Sony PS3/Xbox 360)

I have no idea who Colin McRae is, as I don't keep up with the mullet crowd, but this is the demo Sony provided after feeling schooled by MS giving Bioshock, Stranglehold and Beautiful Katamari demos to their users. The game itself is like a bad version of the PS3 exclusive, Motorstorm. While Motorstorm is an awesome game, I felt DiRT -- based on the demo -- was one big infomercial. The second Colin starts talking, which is the second the game begins, I wanted a "mute" feature. "Hi, I'm Colin McRae and I'm going to show you how to play this game." Fuck off, Colin McRae, whoever the hell you are. I can figure it out myself. And then I'll go back to playing Motorstorm.

4 out of 10

Eternal Sonata (XBOX 360)

MS does more pandering. This is all turned-based crap and could possibly be the worst demo I've ever had the misfortune of playing. You have like 3 or 4 characters and you choose which move they will make and watch it play out. If you enjoy the whole interactive novel kind of game, this may be your thing. Who knows? Maybe the full game will prove to be intriguing. It's hard to judge games like this based on a demo. But still I'll go on to give it a ...

1 out of 10

Heavenly Sword (Sony Playstation 3)

This is shaping up to be the AAA title for the PS3 this holiday season. While the demo was only 5 minutes long, it was long enough to know that this will be a great game. The "making of" videos Sony's releasing on the Playstation Network further back up the inevitable greatness of this title. Outside of some obnoxious screen-tear, the graphics are jaw-dropping. The gameplay is similar to God of War, but the game comes off as even more epic than that excellent title (and its sequel). I wasn't happy that all you needed to do was hit a single button to get through the demo, but hopefully that will change upon release. With Andy Serkis (Gollum from the Lord of the Rings' trilogy) both acting in the game and directing the numerous cutscenes -- it's hard to imagine the title being anything less than perfect. The facial animations are the best seen so far in a game and, if this all pans out, Heavenly Sword could wind up game of the year with the best graphics of 2007. Because the demo is far too simplistic, I can't give it a perfect rating, but it does come damn close.

9 out of 10

Overlord (Xbox 360)

A shameless rip-off of Pikmin and Pikmin 2 for the GameCube, but the idea previously showed up in Oddworld: Munch's Odyssey, so maybe Miyamoto should be the one feeling the guilt. Although Miyamoto knows no guilt. How could he? He's selling a last-gen console at next-gen prices and justifying the whole thing with waggle. Overlord isn't the best thing ever, but it's fun. I wouldn't regret buying it at a reduced price. Decent graphics, funny dialogue and a whole lot of nastiness warrant a $29.99 purchase.

7 out of 10

Ridge Racer 7 (Sony PS3)

It's a racing game. Yay. If you like this sort of thing this one is probably likable. Everyone's impressed with the section where you drive through a cave under a waterfall. It is pretty with great sound effects. Still, I'd never buy this game. I'd never rent this game. But I do like waterfalls. One time I got naked and pretended a waterfall I was under was a shower. My girlfriend at the time thought it a good idea and stripped off her clothing. The force of the fall pushed her over the cliff and she drown in the rapids below. That was funny. Unfortunately, Ridge Racer 7 is not. But up in Heaven, I bet my nude ex is laughing. She was weird that way.

4 out of 10

Stranglehold (Sony PS3/Xbox 360)

I initially hated this one. Then I got all obsessed with everything that makes the game nearly as great as the developers think that it is. There's a whole lot to love in Stranglehold. The graphics aren't very good, but the interactive environments are incredible and more than make up for the so-so looks of Stranglehold. This is going to be the sleeper hit of the holiday. It's fun as hell to play (been through it 3 times, unlocking "hard" mode) and, if you're a fan of Hard Boiled, this will likely be the one game you'll make sure to pick up prior to 2008. I just don't know which version to buy. The PS3 comes with the movie Hard Boiled on Blu-Ray. The 360 has a controller that I can use without killing my hands and wrists. Decisions, decisions.

8 out of 10