Deconstructing Harry Part 4: A Review in Seven Parts

Click for Part 1. Click for Part 2. Click for Part 3

Author's note: The "thoughts-per-page" posted are the exact thoughts I had while reading that very page. They have not nor will not be edited in retrospect or changed in hindsight. I will hold off on giving my opinion of the book until I've finished reading it. Here are my thoughts on pages 301-400 of Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows:

Page 302 - "She deserved her punishment, as did the idiot Longbottom and the Lovegood oddity!" Oh yeah, like you're one to talk Phineas. Anyone running around with a name as close to "Penis" as yours would do just as well to keep his mouth shut about others.

Page 304 - The Gryffindor sword at Hogwarts is a fake. The real sword has been removed and is capable of destroying the Horcruxes. Harry gets all excited and punches the air like a bit of a retard.

Page 306 - Ron holds off on the retarded air-punching and instead decides to tear Harry a new asshole.

Page 308 - "You don't give a rat's fart, do you ..." Ron Weasley, to Harry Potter

Page 309 - Ron and Harry go at it like never before. If it weren't for Hermione intervening, one of them would have likely killed the other. Harry feels a "corrosive hatred toward Ron."

Page 310 - Ron leaves Harry and Hermione behind. This can only mean that Ron will come back like a knight in shining armor and save the day when Harry's about to die. The question is: Will Ron die saving Harry? Trust me, J.K. didn't write this as Ron's final exit from the series. Something big is going to happen and Ron is going to do something heroic in an attempt to save his friend, Harry Potter.

Page 311 - "[Harry and Hermione's] protective enchantment meant that it would be impossible ... for Ron to find them again." I bet.

Page 329 - The description of James and Lily Potter's final resting spot in Godric's Hollow was vivid and sort of depressing. Poor Harry.

Page 340 - The snake crawling out of Bathilda Bagshot's neck is some pretty freaky shit. Parents will be up with their kids for weeks after reading them this scene.

Page 342 - 345 - The night of James and Lily's deaths is a pretty traumatic read. Murder is never pretty and Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows is no exception to the rule.

Page 355 - This whole "Harry doubting Dumbledore's intentions" part of the book is lame. Obviously Albus Dumbledore isn't going to turn out to be a bad guy, so why is J.K. wasting space?

Page 361 - Did Snape kill Dumbledore to save the Muggles? That's as far-fetched as you could get, but the thought crossed my mind so I'm typing it here. "I don't believe it," said Hermione. I don't either, hon. Did I just type, "hon?" Yikes.

Page 362 - Harry stupidly decides that Dumbledore never loved him and uses the curse form of the word, "damn." More members of the Christian Right buy more copies of the book to burn at those gatherings they have where they burn things. The Christian Right alone will make this one a best-seller.

Page 371 - And here's Ron's triumphant return. And of course he's saving Harry's life. And it only took 61 pages. Thanks to Ron, Harry now has the real sword of Gryffindor.

Page 374 - "Let's get rid of the damn thing ..." for shame, for shame. Watch the mouth, Potter.

Page 375 - The Horcrux turns out to be one nasty little bastard. Ron destroys it, but not before letting it verbally abuse him for minutes on end.

Page 380 - Ron, expecting hugs and kisses from a lonely Hermione gets punches and kicks from her, instead. She even calls him an "arse" and wonders where her wand is, so she can inflict more damage on her poor boyfriend.

Page 381 - Yelling at Ron, "[Hermione's] voice was so shrill only bats would be able to hear it soon." Funny stuff. I actually laughed while reading. Then I looked around self-conscientiously to make sure no one heard me.

Page 382 - Ron introduces us to "Snatchers." They're basically bounty hunters rounding up Muggle-borns and "blood-traitors" in hopes of receiving a reward from the Ministry for their efforts.

Page 389 - Ron, Hermione and Harry decide to visit Xenophilius Lovegood.

Page 392 - I write a note to myself stating, "Could Dumbledore be alive and in hiding? Could Snape have been killed and Dumbledore is using Polyjuice Potion to appear as Severus and to maintain his position as Headmaster of Hogwarts? Could both of them still be alive?"

Page 396 - As it's the Christmas holidays, Ron predicts that Luna will be home. My heart skips a beat.

And we'll have to wait until tomorrow to find out if she's there. And hopefully what the hell the "Deathly Hallows" are all about.
--Alex Sandell