Penile Implants, Mini-Strokes and Me
I was at the doctor yesterday due to these migraine headaches I've been having 24/7 for the past month (720/30?). He ordered me an MRI with and without contrast. Contrast is a dye that can kill you when injected. I would refuse the dye, but he wants to check the veins leading to my brain to see if I've been suffering from mini-strokes (which sounds to me like a polite way of describing being masturbated by a midget).He kept asking if I had any metal in me. Then some girl with the softest voice I had ever heard (from what I could hear of it) asked me if I had had penile implants. After telling her that the bulge was just a rolled up sock and that no implants had I had, I inquired as to why she was asking about implants, shrapnel, metal, etc. She said that if I had any of that in my body the MRI could rip it out.
Yikes.
My mind went immediately to the appendectomy I had a few years ago (I'd link to the update I wrote about that experience, but I can't find it). What if, after removing my appendix, the surgeon or one of his minions left a clamp in me? This is the guy who cut too deep when opening me up, causing my appendix to burst and shoot toxins into my body. If he did leave something in me that MRI will tug it up from my waist through my guts into my heart and finally shoot it out of the top of my head. Not a good way to die. But neither is a stroke.
So, who's waiting in line Friday night for the final Harry Potter?
--Alex Sandell
Labels: appendectomy, Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows, masturbating, midget, migraine, minions, MRI, penile implants, strokes, yikes
posted by juicycerebellum at
5:22 AM
8 Comments:
FIRST!
Strokes now? Trying to live up to the name of your page now?
Real nice JJ. Kick him when he's down. Alex's blunt honesty has kept The Juicy Cerebellum online and interesting for the past 10 or 15 years. Outside of corporate owned sites and sites selling product what site's lasted as long as Juicy? I can't think of one and I can only wish Alex all the best and hope he gets through this ok.
Good post until the last sentence. What the fuck does Harry Potter have to do with anything?
Me for one, I am waiting for the postman to deliver the last tome.
And yes, I am not a nerd.
Ah, Alex, I got you from Goggle. I too have been diagnosed with brain atrophy (mild) and until I read your excellent article I was in a state of panic!
I love your sense of humour.
Kind greetings from Down Under.
@anonymous (the Harry Potter nerd in denial)
You are a nerd. But that's okay. I'm waiting for Saturday delivery as well. AND I'm going to still be in line to buy a copy Friday night/Saturday morning, just in case Amazon doesn't get me my order Saturday. What's worse is that I'm not even that big a Harry Potter fan. I really must be having strokes.
@daniel
I'm glad my atrophy article helped alleviate your worries. It's probably my most popular post here (not counting movie reviews) and I receive emails about it every single day. Were you ever one of the emailers? If so, let me know which one and if I still have the email I'll respond (I sorta suck at getting back to people). I can't help but wonder if these migraines are in some way connected to the atrophy. Having migraines like this the rest of my life would be a mega-bitch. But I suppose I'd take a mega-bitch over a mini-stroke any day of the week.
your best update in a while. i've always liked your personal updates the best.
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