Summer Movie Report Card

This summer has been a series of suck at the box-office. Can you believe the crap they've been passing off as "entertainment" in 2007? I may no longer be reviewing films as frequently as I once was, but I'm certainly still watching them with a critical eye. And if it weren't already summer, I'd send Hollywood to Summer School if they even wanted a chance at a passing grade.

Here's what the movies so far this summer season have been graded and why:

Spider-Man 3

Spider-Man 3 was the first out of the gate and set the tone for most of what's come since. The movie was a jumbled, overblown mess. After the second, which I found highly entertaining, this was a big letdown. It was advertised as Spider-Man Vs. his dark side. But in the movie the "dark side" (Venom) turned Peter Parker into a My Chemical Romance emo reject rather than a threat. This one had the least character development and, ironically, the most characters. With the number of bad guys in it, it teetered threateningly close to Batman and Robin territory. Hopefully next time Raimi leaves the screenwriting to someone else and sticks to directing. There were inspired moments that proved the guy still could pull a classic out of his ass (or, better yet, go back to the classic series that started it all and do a new Evil Dead -- and I'm talking about a sequel, not a remake), but Spider-Man 3 isn't it.
Grade: C-

Shrek the Third

And then came Shrek the Third. But why? This movie started bad and ended worse. A total waste of time and an embarrassment to the franchise. Only one movie this summer has been worse (more on that later). The CG animation was fairly good, but does anyone even give a shit anymore?
Grade: D-

Pirates of the Caribbean: At World's End

Pirates 3 has been hated by some but this one actually wasn't that bad. Too long? Yep. Anti-climatic? Definitely. Funny? A few times, but not hysterical. But it gets a passing grade thanks to some interesting ideas, excellent FX and those characters we've grown to love over the course of the series (outside of Orlando Bloom -- who nobody loves -- not even his mother). Pirates may not have entirely worked, but only because it was too ambitious. It dared to be different and try different things and that's admirable in a summer event flick. I came away from it feeling like I had gotten my money's worth. But I also left knowing I wouldn't be paying to see it again.
Grade: B-

Waitress

Every year there's a Hollywood cliche wrapped up in arthouse trappings that the critics go shit-crazy over. This summer's no exception and the movie is Waitress. The waitress played poorly by Kari Russell is one of the nastiest, most self-centered characters ever put into a film. Was she supposed to come off as evil, or was she just as lamely written as every other cardboard character in this extremely uneven movie? She waits years and through a pregnancy to tell her husband off, but can't give him a day with his baby before telling him to go to hell. She cheats through her pregnancy with her doctor but tells him off without a seconds thought once she's done using him. This was one wicked woman. And this was one formulaic, unlikable film full of unlikable characters. Another movie where sexism is mistaken for "feminism." The moral of the story is this: A woman isn't really a woman until that woman has a child of her own. Forget independence ... this one's all about dependence. Russell depends on her dickhead husband and sexy doctor before and during her pregnancy and depends on her child to give her the strength to leave them both behind after giving birth. Truly sad. Only Andy Griffith's warm (if predictable) performance saves it from a flunking grade.
Grade: D-

1408

Not since The Blair Witch Project has all the hype surrounding a horror film had me this perplexed. The movie is your standard "haunted house" picture. Clinking and clanging sounds. Quick flashes of a ghost/monster. Jump scares left and right. Unplugged radios turning themselves on (why didn't he at least make sure it wasn't battery powered before flipping out?). False endings galore. On and on and on. Yes, there are a few creepy moments. The build-up prior to the main character of Mike entering room 1408 is suspenseful and perfectly paced. Too bad it doesn't lead to something more than what this movie ends up being. Not a horrible film, but definitely overrated.
Grade: C+

Live Free or Die Hard

As I mentioned in a previous post, I'm sick and tired of the pussifying of John McClane. Marketing this movie almost entirely on the "Yippee-Kay-Yay, Mother-Fucker" trademark line when it couldn't even be said in a PG-13 film borders on false advertising. The movie is even more of a cartoon than Die Hard With a Vengeance and John McClane isn't recognizable as the John McClane from the first 3 films. He's mellowed out. He's bald. He doesn't say fuck a single time. He doesn't drink. He doesn't smoke. My gawd, he's turned into a fucking Mormon! So, this film really gets graded in two separate ways. As a Die Hard movie, it fails. It's too over-the-top and all over the place to pass as a genuine sequel to the classic original. There's almost no blood the entire film (is McClane fighting vampires this time? Because I don't know of any humans who don't bleed when shot, but no one shot in this film sheds any blood) and some of the stunts border on Looney Tunes' level lunacy. But as a PG-13 summer action flick? That's where the movie's a success. It's a lot of fun to watch from beginning to end. A lot of the comedy really works and "Mac" (from the "I'm a PC, I'm a Mac" ads) is actually fun and he and McClane make a good pair. Not Samuel L. Jackson and McClane good, but good nonetheless. If shooting a car at a helicopter and ramming an SUV up an "Asian bitches" (McClane's words, not mine) ass in an elevator shaft doesn't sound like fun to you, maybe you should jump over and watch Waitress. No, it's not Die Hard, but in the summer of 2007 it's as "hard" as you're going to get in an action movie and the action gets the job done.
Grade: B

Ratouille

The first time I saw Ratouille I found it to be slow-moving, simplistic and typical. But after leaving the theater I couldn't get that damn cooking rat movie out of my head. I kept seeing the beautifully animated Eiffel Tower. The brightly lit and busy kitchen. The artistic renderings of the food tasting experience. And I kept thinking about the sweet, touching review delivered brilliantly by Peter O'Toole (as Anton Ego) at the close. Yes, it is a simple movie. Yes, it's been done before. But not like this. The movie is closer to films that emerged from the Italian neorealism movement of the 40s and 50s than it is to Finding Nemo, Toy Story or Cars. The only problem I'm still having with the cartoon, after seeing it 3 times, is the slapstick humor. I don't think it fits the film's style all that well. But this one does get better each time you see it and it has turned out to be my favorite movie of the summer, thus far.
Grade: B+

Transformers

I HATED this movie. Hated it. Hated it so much I had to type two fragmented sentences stating that I hated it, one with the word "hated" all in caps. Not a minute out of nearly 2 and a half hours goes by without a product placement. Transforming Xbox 360's and Mountain Dew soda machines? This was ridiculous. The plot was non-existent. I've given up all hope on Michael Bay ever making a good movie. I thought with Spielberg producing he could create a decent film, but I thought wrong. What was there to like in this piece of crap movie? Nothing. I give up. Corporate America has won. When a two and a half hour commercial for Panasonic, GM, Burger King, HP, Mountain Dew, iPod, Furby, Cisco, Citicorp, Dance Dance Revolution video game, Ding Dongs, Nokia, eBay (the whole plot centers around eBay, actually), Ernst & Young, US Air Force and the US Army (to name a few) makes 200 million in a couple of weeks, what other conclusion could I come to? Why are people continuing to pay for the big 2.5 hour long advertisement known as Transformers? When asked, they say, "The CG is the best yet!" Uh ... unless you count Pirates of the Caribbean 3, Pirates of the Caribbean 2, all 3 Lord of the Rings' films, Revenge of the Sith and more. There's no excuse for a movie like this, but Michael Bay himself has an excuse for the product placements: "There are products in everything in everyday life." Says Bay. "Do people think there shouldn't be brand names or something? Everything is branded. I hate commercials when they take logos off of stuff. It's not real life." And neither are cars that turn into robots, you fucking idiot.
Grade: F

Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix

The first half of this movie was really fun to watch, had some funny dialogue and really felt like director David Yates had cut the apron strings of Chris Columbus (director of the first 2 Potter films). But in the second half of the film things fell apart and it felt more like a Chris Columbus movie, rather than a David Yates film. Almost everything was shot using a blue filter. The action was bland and never really pumped up the audience. Black's death was an afterthought, ruining one of the most emotional moments in any of the Potter novels. As presented on film, it was hardly noticeable and it wasn't sad. This isn't just the director's fault, but the screenwriter's. We didn't get the emotional bond between Harry and Sirius Black that was found in the book, so his death didn't impact us. The first half was good enough to make this the second best Potter FILM in the film series (Prisoner of Azkaban taking the top spot), but it still failed to capture the magic, suspense, fun and emotion that have made the books international best-sellers. And I will never understand the logic of turning the longest book in the series into the shortest movie. Because of that, it's basically all Harry Potter all of the time. Everyone else in the cast are no more than glorified extras.
Grade: C
--Alex Sandell