I'm a Big Fucking Geek II: Revenge of the Geek

I couldn't decide upon a title for this one. I went between, "Big Fucking Geek II: Because Sequels are Geeky," "Big Fucking Geek II: The Geek Strikes Back," "Big Fucking Geek II: That Rare Sequel That Tops the Original," and the perennial favorite, "Big Fucking Geek II: Electric Boogaloo." Of course titles can be changed. So if you like one of those better, you could always let me know in the comment section 99.999999% of you have ignored since I added it to my updates.

Yes. I'm now taking requests.

Anyway, sorta weird that there's been enough demos released on the PS3 and 360 to warrant another update, but the holidays are around the corner and that means a whole lotta video games to choose from. Having played all the demos, I'm hopefully helping make that choice a little bit easier for you. If you didn't get a chance to look at the original "I'm a Big Fucking Geek" update, you can find it here. Now, onto the sequel:

Blazing Angels 2: Secret Missions of WWII (Sony PS3/Xbox 360)

And I was worried about titling this update. This has to be the worst name for a game ever. Actually speak the title and you'll see how awkward it sounds (and notice there's one "2" too many). Sadly, the gameplay is even more awkward than the game's name. The control setup is crap and when will Ubisoft stop with the fucking screen tear? If a game as beautiful as Bioshock can do it without the tear, I'd like to think a game as bland as Blazing Angels 2: Secrets Missions of WWII could do without it as well. I doubt Ubisoft reveals any World War II "secrets" in their game, but I'll whisper a secret about their game that I'm sure Ubisoft doesn't want getting out: It's a pile of shit, both online and off. Pick yourself up (or download) a copy of Warhawk for the PS3 if you need to satisfy your midair combat needs.

2 out of 10

Fatal Inertia (Sony PS3/Xbox 360)

Originally a PS3 exclusive, this one went over to the 360 as it was supposedly too hard to program the Unreal Engine on the PS3 (it is still scheduled to come out for the PS3 -- Just a month or two late). If the demo is any indication, the game could have used a spit, shit, shine and polish before making its way to the 360. First of all, it's that Star Wars' Podracer game all over again. If you've played that one, you've played this. The only difference comes in the form of glitches -- Fatal Inertia is full of them. From the rumble not working correctly (a few times I ran into a wall with no rumble and then had a ton of rumble when my "pod" touched absolutely nothing) to the collision detection being so out of whack it's not even funny (driving directly through boulders and cliffs seems to come standard with the title); expect one flawed fucking game. Maybe the Unreal Engine wasn't made for racers. It can't do it all, right? It's already given us Gears of War and Bioshock -- what more do you want? A pocket pussy included with the purchase price? Like a pocket pussy, Fatal Inertia will make a decent rental and nothing more. It'll be fun for 15 minutes and then returned. And, as with a molded, vibrating, vagina replica, you'll of course claim that you never once played with it. Really. You didn't even touch the thing.

5 out of 10

Folklore (Sony PS3)

What comes off as nearly an apology from Sony for their puny 5 minute demo of Heavenly Sword is the relatively lengthy demo of their exclusive title, Folklore. From beginning to end what was provided had me intrigued. The graphics weren't breathtaking, but were definitely pretty. The story seemed to be involving. The sound effects were incredible. But there's a "but" here ... the game, based solely on the demo, seemed painfully linear. Like Zelda meets Pokemon with better art design. And like both Zelda and Pokemon, the game inexcusably excludes voice acting in favor of text-reading. Reading is so 1999. It's the new math -- you'll never use it in the real world so why even teach yourself this antiquated art when you could listen to Limbaugh and O'Reilly instead? They provide all the "edutainment" a person needs without having to learn how to do difficult things like comprehend words such as "stop" and "child crossing." The Folklore demo implements motion-control and, as anyone with any sense knows -- motion-control fucking sucks. You need to press the R1 (or is it R2?) button to capture souls (or some shit) and then quickly jerk up the controller. I jerked that controller right up into my chin and it hurt like hell. Six-axis is failure, Sony. Put rumble back in and leave the waggle to the Wii fans. Still, if the demo is any indication, this game has definite potential and will be a "rent," if not a "buy." What's not to like about a title that takes place in the land of the dead and has a character named Boobrie? Seriously? Did you catch the "Boob" part of that name?

7 out of 10

Ratatouille (Sony PS2/Sony PS3/Xbox 360/Nintendo GameCube/Nintendo Wii)

I actually had a lot of fun with the stupid movie tie-in game for Pixar's last film, Cars. The graphics weren't great, the gameplay wasn't deep but it was an entertaining diversion that kids surely loved. Ratatouille is the exact opposite. As opposed to "not great," the graphics simply suck. The gameplay is simplistic to the point of insulting and unless your child is a retard, there's no way they're going to like, love or even find this game passably mediocre. Except for the children who enjoy games on the Wii, as they are "special." Like most Wii games, Ratatouille is a series of bad mini-games strung together by an even worse plot. The Xbox 360 demo has a level where you run around avoiding crabs, kids and butchers. This could actually be fun, but none of the "rat-vision" excitement from the movie is included. You just sputter around occasionally pressing the "Y" button to sprint and some other button to whip your tail at crabs. One time I whipped my "tail" at crabs after dating the wrong sort of woman. And then I held a picture of a Playmate's butt above my head and pretended she was pooping on me.

1 out of 10

Skate (Sony PS3/XBOX 360)

This game was supposed to completely revitalize the whole "skateboarding game" genre thingie. EA's been promising better physics, graphics and realism than has been seen in the tired Tony Hawk series. What they've given us is essentially another tired Tony Hawk game without Tony Hawk. Like the Hawk games it's shamelessly stealing from, the demo starts in a park where some annoying narrator that isn't Tony Hawk teaches you the moves while an annoying fake punk band plays its fake corporate punk in the background. Then you perform the moves Not Tony Hawk taught you for points (or whatever). The more air you get, the better the score, etc. etc. etc. Sure, the graphics are a little better than we've seen in a Tony Hawk game, but this is a game about skateboarding. It's a dude riding a skateboard. Unless they're going to have lasers shooting out of his cock, there really isn't anywhere further they can take this graphically. I've never loved or hated the Tony Hawk games and this is just more of the same. The exact same. Carbon-copy, even.

5 out of 10
--Alex Sandell