I'm a Big Fucking Geek II: Revenge of the Geek

I couldn't decide upon a title for this one. I went between, "Big Fucking Geek II: Because Sequels are Geeky," "Big Fucking Geek II: The Geek Strikes Back," "Big Fucking Geek II: That Rare Sequel That Tops the Original," and the perennial favorite, "Big Fucking Geek II: Electric Boogaloo." Of course titles can be changed. So if you like one of those better, you could always let me know in the comment section 99.999999% of you have ignored since I added it to my updates.

Yes. I'm now taking requests.

Anyway, sorta weird that there's been enough demos released on the PS3 and 360 to warrant another update, but the holidays are around the corner and that means a whole lotta video games to choose from. Having played all the demos, I'm hopefully helping make that choice a little bit easier for you. If you didn't get a chance to look at the original "I'm a Big Fucking Geek" update, you can find it here. Now, onto the sequel:

Blazing Angels 2: Secret Missions of WWII (Sony PS3/Xbox 360)

And I was worried about titling this update. This has to be the worst name for a game ever. Actually speak the title and you'll see how awkward it sounds (and notice there's one "2" too many). Sadly, the gameplay is even more awkward than the game's name. The control setup is crap and when will Ubisoft stop with the fucking screen tear? If a game as beautiful as Bioshock can do it without the tear, I'd like to think a game as bland as Blazing Angels 2: Secrets Missions of WWII could do without it as well. I doubt Ubisoft reveals any World War II "secrets" in their game, but I'll whisper a secret about their game that I'm sure Ubisoft doesn't want getting out: It's a pile of shit, both online and off. Pick yourself up (or download) a copy of Warhawk for the PS3 if you need to satisfy your midair combat needs.

2 out of 10

Fatal Inertia (Sony PS3/Xbox 360)

Originally a PS3 exclusive, this one went over to the 360 as it was supposedly too hard to program the Unreal Engine on the PS3 (it is still scheduled to come out for the PS3 -- Just a month or two late). If the demo is any indication, the game could have used a spit, shit, shine and polish before making its way to the 360. First of all, it's that Star Wars' Podracer game all over again. If you've played that one, you've played this. The only difference comes in the form of glitches -- Fatal Inertia is full of them. From the rumble not working correctly (a few times I ran into a wall with no rumble and then had a ton of rumble when my "pod" touched absolutely nothing) to the collision detection being so out of whack it's not even funny (driving directly through boulders and cliffs seems to come standard with the title); expect one flawed fucking game. Maybe the Unreal Engine wasn't made for racers. It can't do it all, right? It's already given us Gears of War and Bioshock -- what more do you want? A pocket pussy included with the purchase price? Like a pocket pussy, Fatal Inertia will make a decent rental and nothing more. It'll be fun for 15 minutes and then returned. And, as with a molded, vibrating, vagina replica, you'll of course claim that you never once played with it. Really. You didn't even touch the thing.

5 out of 10

Folklore (Sony PS3)

What comes off as nearly an apology from Sony for their puny 5 minute demo of Heavenly Sword is the relatively lengthy demo of their exclusive title, Folklore. From beginning to end what was provided had me intrigued. The graphics weren't breathtaking, but were definitely pretty. The story seemed to be involving. The sound effects were incredible. But there's a "but" here ... the game, based solely on the demo, seemed painfully linear. Like Zelda meets Pokemon with better art design. And like both Zelda and Pokemon, the game inexcusably excludes voice acting in favor of text-reading. Reading is so 1999. It's the new math -- you'll never use it in the real world so why even teach yourself this antiquated art when you could listen to Limbaugh and O'Reilly instead? They provide all the "edutainment" a person needs without having to learn how to do difficult things like comprehend words such as "stop" and "child crossing." The Folklore demo implements motion-control and, as anyone with any sense knows -- motion-control fucking sucks. You need to press the R1 (or is it R2?) button to capture souls (or some shit) and then quickly jerk up the controller. I jerked that controller right up into my chin and it hurt like hell. Six-axis is failure, Sony. Put rumble back in and leave the waggle to the Wii fans. Still, if the demo is any indication, this game has definite potential and will be a "rent," if not a "buy." What's not to like about a title that takes place in the land of the dead and has a character named Boobrie? Seriously? Did you catch the "Boob" part of that name?

7 out of 10

Ratatouille (Sony PS2/Sony PS3/Xbox 360/Nintendo GameCube/Nintendo Wii)

I actually had a lot of fun with the stupid movie tie-in game for Pixar's last film, Cars. The graphics weren't great, the gameplay wasn't deep but it was an entertaining diversion that kids surely loved. Ratatouille is the exact opposite. As opposed to "not great," the graphics simply suck. The gameplay is simplistic to the point of insulting and unless your child is a retard, there's no way they're going to like, love or even find this game passably mediocre. Except for the children who enjoy games on the Wii, as they are "special." Like most Wii games, Ratatouille is a series of bad mini-games strung together by an even worse plot. The Xbox 360 demo has a level where you run around avoiding crabs, kids and butchers. This could actually be fun, but none of the "rat-vision" excitement from the movie is included. You just sputter around occasionally pressing the "Y" button to sprint and some other button to whip your tail at crabs. One time I whipped my "tail" at crabs after dating the wrong sort of woman. And then I held a picture of a Playmate's butt above my head and pretended she was pooping on me.

1 out of 10

Skate (Sony PS3/XBOX 360)

This game was supposed to completely revitalize the whole "skateboarding game" genre thingie. EA's been promising better physics, graphics and realism than has been seen in the tired Tony Hawk series. What they've given us is essentially another tired Tony Hawk game without Tony Hawk. Like the Hawk games it's shamelessly stealing from, the demo starts in a park where some annoying narrator that isn't Tony Hawk teaches you the moves while an annoying fake punk band plays its fake corporate punk in the background. Then you perform the moves Not Tony Hawk taught you for points (or whatever). The more air you get, the better the score, etc. etc. etc. Sure, the graphics are a little better than we've seen in a Tony Hawk game, but this is a game about skateboarding. It's a dude riding a skateboard. Unless they're going to have lasers shooting out of his cock, there really isn't anywhere further they can take this graphically. I've never loved or hated the Tony Hawk games and this is just more of the same. The exact same. Carbon-copy, even.

5 out of 10
--Alex Sandell

I'm a Big Fucking Geek

Recent video game demos and my nerdy thoughts on them (in alphabetical order, for extra geekiness)

Beautiful Katamari (XBOX 360)

I guess this was a big title on the Playstation consoles. Try as I might, I don't get the appeal. From the demo now up on the 360 (MS, once again, trying to gain some Japanese gamers), it seems lame. Bad graphics. Bad comedy. What the hell? I'm supposed to run around rolling up a ball until it gets bigger and bigger? That's it??? This is why I've steered clear of so many critically acclaimed niche games that found cult followings on Sony consoles. MS should have let is stay with Sony as they have some quirky fans who like playing with their balls and those fans are disgusted that MS took their balls away from them. I don't see this selling well for the Xbox at all. If I wanted to play with balls, I'd take a warm bath so my own would get all big and droopy and then I'd jump out, put an ice cube on them, watch them shrink and laugh at what cowards they are. I mean -- it's only ice.

3 out of 10

Bioshock (XBOX 360, PC)

This was the game that made me sell my soul and buy a 360 again (my fifth -- these things are as long-lasting as toilet tissue). Based on the demo, my sold soul was worth the price. The game is based on Ayn Rand's Objectivism (also known as: "Sociopathism" or "Greedism"), and its story is deep for an FPS. The atmosphere is thick, the gameplay is intense, the art direction is awe-inspiring. This is one game that -- based on the "45 minute" demo that really takes 15 minutes to beat -- lives up to the hype. Unless something goes horribly wrong (such as Ayn Rand coming off as a heroic visionary), this will be the best game of the year. Someone on a video game site I frequent mentioned Rand being the end boss. It was mere speculation, but if it turned out to be true, I'd beat that boss more than Bowser in the original Super Mario Bros. Even if you don't get to shoot the shit out of a digital Ayn, the game still has a chance at being the greatest game ever created. It's not off to a bad start, as the demo is the best demo ever released.

10 out of 10

Blue Dragon (XBOX 360)

More Microsoft pandering to the Japanese audience they will never get. The game does look pretty and the story seems as though it will be semi-compelling in a kiddy sort of way. But it also seems boring. Not unbearable, but not $60 of fun, either. If you like turn-based RPG titles, this one should please you in a Final Fantasy sort of way. If not, stay away. Although the dragon is blue, which is cool. Since most dragons are red. And everyone knows red dragons are gay.

5 out of 10

DiRT (Sony PS3/Xbox 360)

I have no idea who Colin McRae is, as I don't keep up with the mullet crowd, but this is the demo Sony provided after feeling schooled by MS giving Bioshock, Stranglehold and Beautiful Katamari demos to their users. The game itself is like a bad version of the PS3 exclusive, Motorstorm. While Motorstorm is an awesome game, I felt DiRT -- based on the demo -- was one big infomercial. The second Colin starts talking, which is the second the game begins, I wanted a "mute" feature. "Hi, I'm Colin McRae and I'm going to show you how to play this game." Fuck off, Colin McRae, whoever the hell you are. I can figure it out myself. And then I'll go back to playing Motorstorm.

4 out of 10

Eternal Sonata (XBOX 360)

MS does more pandering. This is all turned-based crap and could possibly be the worst demo I've ever had the misfortune of playing. You have like 3 or 4 characters and you choose which move they will make and watch it play out. If you enjoy the whole interactive novel kind of game, this may be your thing. Who knows? Maybe the full game will prove to be intriguing. It's hard to judge games like this based on a demo. But still I'll go on to give it a ...

1 out of 10

Heavenly Sword (Sony Playstation 3)

This is shaping up to be the AAA title for the PS3 this holiday season. While the demo was only 5 minutes long, it was long enough to know that this will be a great game. The "making of" videos Sony's releasing on the Playstation Network further back up the inevitable greatness of this title. Outside of some obnoxious screen-tear, the graphics are jaw-dropping. The gameplay is similar to God of War, but the game comes off as even more epic than that excellent title (and its sequel). I wasn't happy that all you needed to do was hit a single button to get through the demo, but hopefully that will change upon release. With Andy Serkis (Gollum from the Lord of the Rings' trilogy) both acting in the game and directing the numerous cutscenes -- it's hard to imagine the title being anything less than perfect. The facial animations are the best seen so far in a game and, if this all pans out, Heavenly Sword could wind up game of the year with the best graphics of 2007. Because the demo is far too simplistic, I can't give it a perfect rating, but it does come damn close.

9 out of 10

Overlord (Xbox 360)

A shameless rip-off of Pikmin and Pikmin 2 for the GameCube, but the idea previously showed up in Oddworld: Munch's Odyssey, so maybe Miyamoto should be the one feeling the guilt. Although Miyamoto knows no guilt. How could he? He's selling a last-gen console at next-gen prices and justifying the whole thing with waggle. Overlord isn't the best thing ever, but it's fun. I wouldn't regret buying it at a reduced price. Decent graphics, funny dialogue and a whole lot of nastiness warrant a $29.99 purchase.

7 out of 10

Ridge Racer 7 (Sony PS3)

It's a racing game. Yay. If you like this sort of thing this one is probably likable. Everyone's impressed with the section where you drive through a cave under a waterfall. It is pretty with great sound effects. Still, I'd never buy this game. I'd never rent this game. But I do like waterfalls. One time I got naked and pretended a waterfall I was under was a shower. My girlfriend at the time thought it a good idea and stripped off her clothing. The force of the fall pushed her over the cliff and she drown in the rapids below. That was funny. Unfortunately, Ridge Racer 7 is not. But up in Heaven, I bet my nude ex is laughing. She was weird that way.

4 out of 10

Stranglehold (Sony PS3/Xbox 360)

I initially hated this one. Then I got all obsessed with everything that makes the game nearly as great as the developers think that it is. There's a whole lot to love in Stranglehold. The graphics aren't very good, but the interactive environments are incredible and more than make up for the so-so looks of Stranglehold. This is going to be the sleeper hit of the holiday. It's fun as hell to play (been through it 3 times, unlocking "hard" mode) and, if you're a fan of Hard Boiled, this will likely be the one game you'll make sure to pick up prior to 2008. I just don't know which version to buy. The PS3 comes with the movie Hard Boiled on Blu-Ray. The 360 has a controller that I can use without killing my hands and wrists. Decisions, decisions.

8 out of 10

Uncle Alex

Does that have a nice ring to it? Because I'm gonna have to get used to hearing people call me "Uncle Alex," as I am now an uncle. Sort of like Ben, but I don't shill rice. Ironically, my other brother who just became an uncle's name is Ben. I just thought of that as I typed "sort of like Ben." Weird. We have an Uncle Ben in the family.

Anyway, that's me holding my nephew David up there. I told jfargo (otherwise known as Jeremiah Fargo) that being an uncle isn't as weird as it seems (in six month, he's going to be one himself). That's only partially true. Whenever I look at this picture of my nephew in my arms I get all gooey like. I can't really explain it. But he was made from my brother's sperm and my brother and I were both made from my dad's sperm, which makes me sort of ... er ... an uncle.

Okay, jfargo (otherwise known as Jeremiah Fargo) ... I lied -- it is fucking weird!

But at the same time, look at that picture up there. Try to look past my hairy arms and gigantic mutant freak hands and see that cute little baby they're holding. Doesn't part of you look forward to that experience (being an uncle, not growing an absurd amount of hair on your arms)?

The only bitch of a problem is that I'm now forced to be "cool" for that much longer (heh). Everyone wants to be the "cool" Uncle. And anyone named "Uncle Ben" can't be cool by default. That leaves the job to me.

AAAAAAAAHHH!!! How can someone as tiny as the baby in my arms cause this much pressure? David, I hope I can live up to your expectations. And I hope your mom and dad never find out about the R rated movies I sneak you into. Or how late I let you stay up when they're away and I'm babysitting. That's the job of the "cool" uncle, right?

How much you wanna bet my brother's reading this and getting all pissed? "Honey," he'll say to his wife, "Alex is NOT taking David to the movies unless we go along!" And so it begins...

EDIT: And knowing my luck, I'll drop dead before he's old enough to say my name.
--Alex Sandell

The Day America Died

As I watched it happen an altered version of Don McLean's American Pie entered my head: "This will be the day America dies." As I heard the Republican Congressmen applauding the loss of Civil Liberties for the Americans they were elected to represent; the day of August 4th, 2007 burned into my mind in a way no date has since September 11th, 2001.

On August 3rd the bill the Bush Administration was pushing (coercing?) the House and Senate to vote on before their monthlong break was passed by the Senate. The Bill allows our own government to spy on its citizens, as long as the government claims the spying "concerns" Al Qaeda.

They can listen to our phone calls. Read our emails. You name it, they can do it. And on August 4th Congress made it official: They can now do it legally.

In the Senate not one Republican voted against the Spy Bill. And, even though we now have a Democratic majority, the majority still aren't democratic. 16 Democrats joined the Republicans and 1 Independent (guess who?) and all of them should be tried for treason.

This is the United States and a vote to spy on the American people goes against the Constitution and the Bill of Rights and is nothing short of treasonous. I won't play with words and I think, at the very least, these Senators should be impeached if not exiled from the United States completely.

In the House 41 Democrats joined the treason party voting for the ironically titled "Protect America Act" and when time to vote came to an end and the bill was passed the Republicans cheered. And they cheered loudly. When I heard this I knew Americans were out of luck and this was the day my country died.

And I started singin', "Bye-bye Miss American ..." But then I stopped, worried Alberto Gonzales may listen.

These are the Democrats you shouldn't vote for ever again in the Senate:

Evan "Try 'em For Treason" Bayh (Indiana)
Tom "Try 'em For Treason" Carper (Delaware)
Bob "Try 'em For Treason" Casey (Pennsylvania)
Kent "Try 'em For Treason" Conrad (North Dakota)
Dianne ""Try 'er For Treason" Feinstein (California)
Daniel "Try 'em For Treason" Inouye (Hawaii)
Amy "Try 'er For Treason"Klobuchar (Minnesota)
Mary "Try 'er For Treason" Landrieu (Louisiana)
Blanche "Try 'er For Treason" Lincoln (Arkansas)
Claire "Try 'er For Treason" McCaskill (Missouri)
Barbara "Try 'er For Treason" Mikulski (Maryland)
Bill "Try 'em For Treason" Nelson (Florida)
Ben "Try 'em For Treason"Nelson (Nebraska)
Mark "Try 'em For Treason" Pryor (Arkansas)
Ken "Try 'em For Treason"Salazar (Colorado)
Jim "Try 'em For Treason" Webb (Virginia)

Even though he hasn't counted as a Democrat pretty much ever and had to run as an "Independent" last time, he must be named:

Joseph "Try 'em For Treason" Lieberman (Connecticut)

And in the House:

Jason "Try 'em For Treason" Altmire (4th Pennsylvania)
John "Try 'em For Treason" Barrow (12th Georgia)
Melissa "Try 'er For Treason" Bean (8th Illinois)
Dan "Try 'em For Treason" Boren (2nd Oklahoma)
Leonard "Try 'em For Treason" Boswell (3rd Iowa)
Allen "Try 'em For Treason" Boyd (2nd Florida)
Christopher "Try 'em For Treason" Carney (10th Pennsylvania)
Ben "Try 'em For Treason" Chandler (6th Kentucky)
Jim "Try 'em For Treason" Cooper (5th Tennessee)
Jim "Try 'em For Treason" Costa (20th California)
Bud "Try 'em For Treason" Cramer (5th Alabama)
Henry "Try 'em For Treason" Cuellar (28th Texas)
Artur "Try 'em For Treason" Davis (7th Alabama)
Lincoln "Try 'em For Treason" Davis (4th Tennessee)
Joe "Try 'em For Treason" Donnelly (2nd Indiana)
Chet "Try 'em For Treason" Edwards (17th Texas)
Brad "Try 'em For Treason" Ellsworth (8th Indiana)
Bob "Try 'em For Treason" Etheridge (North Carolina)
Bart "Try 'em For Treason" Gordon (6th Tennessee)
Stephanie "Try 'er For Treason" Herseth Sandlin (South Dakota)
Brian "Try 'em For Treason" Higgins (27th New York)
Baron "Try 'em For Treason" Hill (9th Indiana)
Nick "Try 'em For Treason" Lampson (23rd Texas)
Daniel "Try 'em For Treason" Lipinski (3rd Illinois)
Jim "Try 'em For Treason" Marshall (8th Georgia)
Jim "Try 'em For Treason" Matheson (2nd Utah)
Mike "Try 'em For Treason" McIntyre (7th North Carolina)
Charlie "Try 'em For Treason" Melancon (3rd Louisiana)
Harry "Try 'em For Treason" Mitchell (5th Arizona)
Colin "Try 'em For Treason" Peterson (7th Minnesota)
Earl "Try 'em For Treason" Pomeroy (North Dakota)
Ciro "Try 'em For Treason" Rodriguez (23rd Texas)
Mike "Try 'em For Treason" Ross (4th Arkansas)
John "Try 'em For Treason" Salazar (3rd Colorado)
Heath "Try 'em For Treason" Shuler (11th North Carolina)
Vic "Try 'em For Treason" Snyder (2nd Arkansas)
Zachary "Try 'em For Treason" Space (18th Ohio)
John "Try 'em For Treason" Tanner (8th Tennessee)
Gene "Try 'em For Treason" Taylor (4th Mississippi)
Timothy "Try 'em For Treason" Walz (1st Minnesota)
Charles A. "Try 'em For Treason" Wilson (6th Ohio)

Why aren't I listing the Republicans? Because only 2 in the entire United States Congress voted against this spy bill. Otherwise, the entire Republican side of Congress should be tried for treason.

My Brother, Action Hero

My brother rides his bike home from work 5 days a week and happens to ride it directly under the 35W bridge in Minneapolis that collapsed yesterday. Thinking it just another normal day, he got to the bridge mere minutes before it crumbled. There he sat on his bike, wondering if he would brave it, knowing it was last minute. And, throwing caution to the wind, he peddled that Huffy straight under and, arriving home, saw the news that the bridge had fell.

"Had I known," he said, "I would have taken a different route." But that's just my brother being modest; like any action hero making it up as he goes along. Don't be surprised to see him on CNN wielding a bullwhip and fedora with his own John Williams' theme blaring over Wolf Blitzer's voice.

Heh. "Wolf Blitzer."
--Alex Sandell

35W Bridge Collapse Minneapolis

Yikes. This bridge is only a few miles from my house. I've been watching the news since it happened (around an hour ago) and I'm starting to ask questions and beginning to feel pretty panicked.

How was this bridge cleared as safe during the last bridge inspection?

How can a big huge bridge like this collapse?

And then I start noticing a pattern as I watch the helicopter shooting the disaster -- over half the "cars" still on the buckled, broken bridge are SUVs, Jeeps and trucks. In 1967 structural engineers could never have anticipated how overpopulated the earth would be in 2007. And they would have never predicted that the average American would be driving big fucking tanks meant for wars and other off-road experiences in the Twin City Metro Area.

Get these OFF-Road cars the hell OFF the road and "keep America safe!" But the media will never go this direction. They're paid lots of money to advertise SUVs and trucks and Jeeps and other vehicles 99.999% of Americans should not be driving but over 50% are.

So yes, I'm upset. And here in the metro area I can't even get a hold of my family or friends to make sure they're okay and weren't on the bridge -- because all you get is the "all circuits are busy" message.

UPDATE: News Anchors just asked people to stop making calls, unless they're in an emergency situation. This begs another question:

How in fuck's name are we even remotely prepared for even bigger tragedies when a bridge collapses and we can't even use a goddamn phone?

I dunno, this whole thing is depressing and upsetting. I hope everyone I know is okay and I hope for as few casualties as possible. And I hope someone figures out how to deal with new technologies ... such as phones and bridges.
--Alex Sandell